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36-Year-Old Pop Punk Fan Finally Agrees To Join The Adult Table This Thanksgiving

LAKEWOOD, Ohio — Aging pop punk super-fan Drew Pulaski reluctantly decided to join the grown-up table this Thanksgiving after decades of eschewing adulthood, stunned sources confirmed.

“Honestly, part of me wonders if I’m moving too fast. Sure, I’m 36 now, but my birthday was only two weeks ago,” Pulaski sighed while fidgeting with a tangled mass of Warped Tour lanyards hanging from the mirror of his Civic coupe. “But it’s like Blink-182 said, ‘I guess this is growing up,’ or whatever. In the past few years I’ve realized that the kid’s table is tough for me to navigate, my metabolism isn’t what it used to be, and my steady diet of pizza and Skittles is adding up. If there’s one thing I hate more than my nagging parents and this dead-end town, it’s those tiny, plastic fold-out chairs.”

Not everyone in the family is happy to see Pulaski move on.

“What a sellout,” groaned Tyler Skidwell, fellow pop punk enthusiast and Pulaski’s 15-year-old cousin. “He only agreed to join the adult table because my Aunt Midge promised to buy him a Gerard Way Funko Pop! figure. I’m really going to miss Drew. We both like Taking Back Sunday and think Alkaline Trio should’ve called it quits after releasing ‘Crimson.’ He would even let me hit his vape pen when my parents weren’t looking. This sucks, man. None of my other cousins have even heard of Knuckle Puck, so I’m basically hung out to dry.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Rachel Livingston addressed the recent spike in adult fans of the genre succumbing to maturity.

“Mr. Pulaski is far from an isolated incident. We are seeing thousands of pop punk listeners in their thirties beginning to exhibit troubling symptoms such as falling in line and becoming casualties of society in a phenomenon known as Sum 41 Syndrome,” Dr. Livingston explained. “While the root cause of the disorder is currently unknown, experts suggest that anyone experiencing a waning interest in next year’s When We Were Young festival line-up should consider seeking help immediately.”

At press time, Pulaski was seen shopping at his local Hot Topic t-shirt wall after his mom requested he wear “something more formal for the occasion.”