“Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue” was arguably one of the most exciting crossover events of many Millennial childhoods, despite it being an unabashed D.A.R.E. promotion. For the uninitiated, the premise is that the hottest Saturday morning cartoon characters of 1990 spring to life so they can lecture a teen named Michael a valuable lesson about how weed and alcohol would eventually lead him to hard drugs and living in a never-ending nightmare hellscape. It’s as corny as it sounds, but when the hell were we ever going to see Ninja Turtles and Muppet Babies sharing screen time?
But as we reach the 34-year anniversary of its debut, one question remains: what’s the likelihood these animated anti-drug advocates would turn to drugs after the special faded from memory? We ranked all the characters with number one being the most likely to be a complete junkie.
12. Slimer
It was clear by the early ’90s that Slimer was the star of “The Real Ghostbusters,” but the likeliness of him feeling the crushing weight of carrying the show (and haunting Michael’s house for some reason) wouldn’t lead to any significant substance abuse, on account that he is already dead.
11. ALF
We could’ve sworn ALF was a puppet, but I guess his agent busted the execs at CBS’s balls to be in on this thing. Regardless of him being retconned as a cartoon for the purposes of drug abstinence, it’s hard to imagine him tripping balls unless eating cats gives you some kind of natural high we’re not aware of.
10. Garfield
Well he’s a lasagna addict that’s for damn sure, but aren’t we all? Now let’s keep in mind this production was from a time when Garfield was actually funny and needed to bring his A-game and be “on” all the time, a little pick me up every now and then might be necessary. Perhaps all those naps were combination food/barbiturates comas?
9. Smurfs
It’s hard to believe that there isn’t a single mushroom-shaped Smurf dwelling that doesn’t have hallucinogenic properties. Our money is on Brainy Smurf, on account it’s always the ones you least suspect. Who the hell knows what he’s cooking in that lab of his?
8. Daffy Duck
The gruesome, and sometimes self-inflicted, injuries Daffy has endured over the years make him a prime candidate for relying on oxycodone just to get through a day of filming. He’s old-school Hollywood, after all.
7. Bugs Bunny
You can only take so many wrong turns at Albuquerque before people suspect you’re burrowing under the influence. It also doesn’t help his case that he makes his appearance in this special as a cop, so there’s a pretty good likelihood he’s helping himself to the goods in evidence storage, if you catch our drift.
6. Tigger
You cannot convince us that Tigger isn’t a meth addict. I mean just look at him! And the fact he makes his appearance special by bounding out of the bushes unannounced doesn’t help his case either.
5. Winnie the Pooh
The jury is still out on Pooh though. He’s much too chill to become a junkie, but it wouldn’t be shocking to find out he “accidentally” ingests Himalayan mad honey on a regular basis.
4. Michaelangelo
Truth be told, the future was never looking bright for Mikey. He can lambast others about drug-induced poor decision-making, but fact is that an incalculable amount of drugs are flushed into the sewers every year, and given his predilection for partying that makes him a textbook high-risk teen(age mutant ninja turtle). Not long until he’s stealing Donatello’s Adderall to fund his crippling ketamine dependency.
3. Muppet Babies (Kermit, Piggy, and Gonzo)
The one thing the Muppet Babies had going for them was their unparalleled gift of imagination, but that can only get you so far. Don’t be shocked if all those unsupervised shenanigans in the nursery turned into rampant LSD use to expand their minds.
2. The Chipmunks (Alvin, Simon, and Theodore)
There’s lots of evidence that many artists’ best work came to be while under copious amounts of drugs, so it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that the Chipmunks would attempt to leave cover songs behind and write their own material fueled by enough blow to kill a capybara. Coupled with a grueling touring schedule and strict stage dad, the brothers were a sure bet to end up booted from their record label and in rehab by 1996.
1. Ducktales (Huey, Louie, and Dewey)
Don’t let their leading “There’s a Million Ways to Say No” fool you, these are trust fund kids and they are always going to do trust fund kid crap. They’re just one globe-trotting adventure away from smoking PCP at an illegal rave in Thailand before burning through their inheritance on a crippling heroin addiction. Life is like a hurricane, indeed.
Honorable Mention: George H.W. Bush
Granted he and Barbara technically only were in the intro for 30 seconds, but you mean to tell us that he didn’t once try crack before the CIA used it to destroy black communities? We’re not buying it. Just look at his kid and you’ll see the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.