Is there anything more boring than a funeral? You might as well get shitfaced while respectfully expressing your condolences. Thanks to your shitty genes, family members are shuffling off the mortal coil faster than you can track. It’s totally harshing your mellow and cutting into your social schedule! Here’s the upside: plenty of hard seltzer brands barely leave a trace on your breath, avoiding barley beer belches or the stiff stench of liquor. You can’t keep blaming the formaldehyde in the funeral home or hand sanitizer at the entrance, those excuses wear thin pretty quickly. Let’s dive in and explore the top 20 hard seltzer brands for sneaking into a funeral. Catch that covert mourning buzz!
Truly
This is your favorite brand. You don’t go to any funeral without a Truly hidden inside each coat pocket. It makes hugs bulky and awkward, plus may give you moisture stains, but you can ditch those aluminum bad-boys once you pinch your nose and throw back a few Trulys in the bathroom. Eulogies are truly better when catching a pleasant, low-humming buzz.
Bon & Viv
Originally launched as SpikedSeltzer in 2013, this is one of the O.G. brands. Hell, you remember your cool older cousin slipping you one of these before Grandpa’s wake. He handed you the can, like a passing of the torch or visualized metaphor for familial alcoholism. You were underage, but hey – this is a funeral. Like a long marriage, gotta keep it exciting somehow.
Bud Light Seltzer
Unfortunately the liquor store around the corner from the funeral parlor only sold 24 oz. cans of Bud Light Seltzer, which you discreetly pound in the parking lot before taking a seat. Try not to yak, those flavors aren’t sitting well with the Qdoba you scarfed at home. Those cans are too big to bring in, best to post up near the recycling bins for easy disposal and discreet voms.
Vizzy
Hey, the first hard seltzer with antioxidant Vitamin C! It’s like medicine, right? You’re practically getting your exercise for the day, chugging your Vizzy while crouched on the floor, nestled between pews. Just pretend you dropped your wallet or fidget-spinner. Or begin crying, like you’re overwrought with grief. People may politely ignore you, but if they’re particularly over-emotive, or Eastern European, they may even join in.
Natural Light Seltzer
On a budget? Natty Light’s got you covered. Hell, bring a whole case in. But be careful: this is in a traditional can, slightly wider, harder to sneak in. May make the pocket seams burst at the can’s girth. Perhaps bring a large bouquet of flowers, hiding your Natty Light Seltzers deep inside the lilies and carnations. You’re a classy dude! Hell, you might even wear your wallet chain to the funeral. That’s like the equivalent of a modern pocket watch, right? Natty Light seltzer, for those of discerning taste.
High Noon
OK, so it’s not technically seltzer, but be careful with these. Those vodka/soda grapefruit-flavored drinks go down easy. You definitely don’t want to be blackout at a funeral (again). In fact, there was a period where you were no longer invited to family funerals, ever since “the accident.” Long story short: it was autumn 2021, you had too many High Noons, you peed yourself while Aunt Gretchen’s casket was lowered and the stream trickled into the burial plot. Stilettos got wet. The story is just too infamous for younger cousins to forget about.
Smirnoff Seltzer
Speak in an obnoxious Russian accent and remind everyone about being “iced” with Smirnoffs from like 14 years ago. With only 1 gram of sugar, you have a field day – especially with the pink lemonade flavor, your all-time favorite. If the church allows it, offer the priest a seltzer. He’ll be appreciative and see that you’re just trying to get him in the groove, especially since he’s one of those granola “acoustic guitar” priests that has a Cat Stevens song prepared at all times.
Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer
Your dad always liked Michelob, so this is a nostalgic choice. While he’s up there giving a eulogy for some distant cousin (this church is so huge, you might as well be Siberia), you can always “cheers” him from the back. “That’s my dad!” you can yell, turning heads and keeping the spirit jovial. Keep this can firmly in the wooden seat pocket in front of you, next to the tattered Bible and leaflet celebrating this bozo’s life. Who died this time? Too distracted by that Berry Hibiscus flavor, gets you every time.
White Claw
The one that started your addiction, kicked it all into high gear. The cans are so tiny that you can sneak an entire 6-pack in. Go with Black Cherry, everybody loves that flavor (except the assholes at Pizza Hut, who kicked you out for demanding bespoke pies). If anyone gets suspicious, pour some into a water bottle and just say it’s Perrier. Try to keep from winking at people. You’re on that low-calorie drunk, no guilt here!
Social Club
Bring this one to the swankier funerals, the ones with car processions a mile long. This is the natural choice for the sophisticated drinker, these botanically-infused hard seltzers will impress. Hell, you may even score. These church volunteers with laminated name tags are giving you bedroom eyes! Or are they angrily staring? Crack open another Social Club and vibe out, maybe even stretch out in the back pew with your sunglasses on. Make this about you, baby.
Boozy Water
Electrolytes included? Whoa, it’s like you’re practically going to the doctor and getting exercise! Plus you love how literal their branding is. In fact, this is what you call any alcoholic drink – “boozy water.” And if it is alcohol-free, you’re used to shaking the glass at whoever is around and chanting “boozy water!” until someone plies you with spirits. Hand this out to your health-nut cousins from Colorado, maybe they can bring Boozy Water on their next karmic retreat!
Corona Hard Seltzer
Bust out the Corona Hard Seltzer and offer subtle sips while your loved one is being laid to rest. If anyone protests, just throw an empty can at them. You have sympathy for Corona as a brand. It’s hard to bounce back after sharing a name with a worldwide global pandemic. You just wanna show your support. After all, Corona has always been there for you: from sneaking beers in middle school, to the prime college beer pong option. Chug a few cans during the interment and time will fly.
PRESS
PRESS Premium Seltzer will fuck you up. With a slightly higher alcohol content, be careful – these will creep up on you, like an assassin in the night. Damn, you’re getting poetical at this burial! Cry into your can and howl after the funeral in a drunken rage. Yell at the funeral director “You can’t entomb my emotions!” and then chug another PRESS, claiming it’s just an energy drink. Mourners will be impressed with your dedication, and thank you for the solid excuse to suddenly leave.
Mamitas
Now we’re talking! Made with real tequila? Hell yes. The Paloma flavor is particularly delicious. If you grow your hair out, you can pop in AirPods and jam to some Electric Light Orchestra while enjoying your Mamitas. In fact, it may be a good idea to sneak in the night before and hide a case under the pulpit. Be sure to bring a high-visibility vest and a ladder, which will allow you access to almost any building.
Wild Basin
Linked to a more outdoor nature-loving brand voice, feel free to bring this to ceremonies in the wild, natural burials or a forested “celebration of life.” Perhaps as cremains are scattered into the ocean, pour out some Wild Basin for the deceased. Let it swill and mix with the ocean foam. 2Pac was surely talking about Wild Basin in “Pour Out a Little Liquor,” that’s just a fact.
Flying Embers
You knew this brand made kombucha, but apparently they make hard seltzer now too! Wow, this top-shelf supermarket down the street really has quite a selection. You talk about this brand so much that people think you are suddenly a spokesperson for Flying Embers. You begin targeting other funerals in your area, scanning obituaries for service information where you can push bootleg cases of Flying Embers on unassuming family members looking to bond despite the tragic circumstances.
Hornitos
You love their tequila, now get ready for the sweet sugary rush of their hard seltzer. At the open-casket wake, shake the deceased’s hand and pour Hornitos into their mouth. If anyone is mad, tell them it’s a religious expression of grief. People get weirdly respectful and reverent if you say it’s “part of your religion,” no matter the crazy bullshit you may be justifying. Hey, maybe this can get you out of paying taxes, too!
Juneshine
Want that margarita kick? Look no further than Juneshine. Unfortunately packaged in cans less slim than other brands, so maybe chug one behind your open trunk before going inside, as if this was a tailgate. (Business idea: “Funeral Tailgates.”) Or if you do bring it inside, duct tape a few Juneshines around your ankles. That way you can accidentally drop your toothpick and rise back up ready to rock with a new cold can.
Two Robbers
The Philadelphia-based seltzer is a tasty treat for any funeral. Sip in respectful silence, or belch out their delicious flavors as the eulogies drone on and on. Don’t get too drunk though, you need to make it to the post-funeral family gathering, where it will be appetizer paradise. Club sandwiches, cold cuts, cheese plates – people should honestly die more often, you save a bundle on meals.
Topo Chico
You love their plain seltzer, why not give in to the temptation of their hard seltzer? You used to think “Ranch Water” was a muddy puddle in an agricultural outcropping, but this shit is delicious. At this point, people may be avoiding you. Better sober up with that microwave coffee and wafers in the rectory. Good thing you took an Uber here. Now it’s time to mingle with family while pounding hard seltzers in obscure shady corners of your uncle’s backyard. Put the “fun” back in “funeral!”
