15. Lobo
Personally, I love Lobo. I think we would be boys. He seems like the type that doesn’t go in for any of that woke shit and I would love to go on dope bounty-hunting missions with him. That said, if it ever came to blows, I got a sick Jeet Kune Do punch with his blue ass’s name written on it.
14. Ego The Living Planet
How do you fight a living planet? The same way you fight this planet. I’ll tear up his terrain with my illegally souped-up Hummer, litter his ass with empty Monster Energy drinks and destroy his atmosphere with my aerosol body spray. KO, bitch.
13. Freeza
After years of trying, I’ve come to accept that I’m incapable of going Super Sayen due to my human genetics. However, I believe my attempts have strengthened me to a level roughly equivalent to true-potential Gohan, which is actually stronger than Super Saiyan. Tough break Freeza.
12. The Anti-Monitor
I guess this guy destroyed the entire universe one time, but then had to put it back together. I can relate. It’s sort of like the time I quit Jersey Mike’s by smashing the place with a baseball bat, but I had to beg for my job back after like a week. Anyway, I’m gonna sucker-punch him after I fake like I want to touch gloves.
11. Aron The Rogue Watcher
He has all of the nigh-omnipotent power of The Watchers but doesn’t adhere to their strict code of non-interference. Respect. Too bad his head is the size of a beach ball. Since his hands are regular size there’s no way he can block all of my lightning-fast roundhouse kicks to his domepiece.
10. Kraven The Hunter
This guy has got shady rich South African white dude vibes. In other words, I think he’s really cool. I’m hoping we can bond and take out some “endangered” (pffft) game together. However, my man should be aware that I am loyal yet dangerous. If he crosses me, my roundhouse uppercut combo is gonna cross him, big time.
9. Doctor Psycho
Apparently this little guy likes to get inside your head. I’ll handle him the same way I handled my court-appointed therapist — punching.
8. Serpentor
Serpentor is a genetic combination of history’s most ruthless dictators. Unfortunately for him, I’m a genetic combination of history’s toughest bastards, the Irish and the Italians.
7. Ultron
Ultron and I share a passion for trying to become the most powerful version of ourselves. Unfortunately he’s a robot, so he’s incapable of blood-doping or taking performance-enhancing drugs.
6. The Joker
This guy actually likes getting beat up, but I’ve got an ace up my sleeve — I’m funnier than him. You wouldn’t think I’m funny, because of how strong I am, but I’m always telling people how funny I am and they never correct me.
5. Doomsday
Okay yeah, homeboy killed Superman one time, but that’s just because Superman isn’t a tactical fighter. I figure my Judo training will help me use his own strength against him.
4. Thanos
I’ll take out this poser using the power given to me by the Infinity gauntlet. That’s what I call doing 12 full-body HIIT workouts in 4 hours. It takes me enough caffeine to kill most horses but I can do it!
3. The Beyonder
Apparently this god-like entity lets you put a team of heroes together from across the multiverse before you fight him. I got the perfect team already picked out — me, myself, and I. That’s three armies of one coming at you chump.
2. Superboy Prime
An evil version of Superman so strong he was able to punch a hole through the walls of reality. Damn. Luckily, as a proponent of microdosing, I know a little something about smashing through reality myself, but I’ll slip a little Kryptonite into my fingerless gloves just in case.
1. Black Adam
This magic-based punk never shook me until The Rock started playing him in movies. Anyone whose seen FF7 knows there’s no stopping Dwayne Johnson with conventional methods, so I’ll have to outsmart him. My plan is to get him to hawk his tequila at me until he’s too drunk to defend himself. The power structure of the DCU is about to change again brother.