In a world where everyone can just yap into the voice memos app on their iPhone and attempt to become famous, it’s only natural that the worlds of music and podcasting would eventually collide. While it would make the most sense for musicians themselves to start podcasts, we all know that’s unrealistic. Considering mascots are mostly only used for merch, album covers, and occasionally beer cans, they’ve got the time on their hands to start picking up the slack and pushing metal to the next generation of insufferable teenage boys. Before that inevitably happens, let’s take the time to rank 15 heavy metal mascots based on how insufferable they’d be as podcast hosts.
15. Eddie (Iron Maiden)
Eddie is, unfortunately, a rotting British corpse, so that’s already not in his favor. What is in his favor is how he’s pretty much been around for every world event, and while he’s probably responsible for stealing all those artifacts for the British Museum, he’s got some decent stories to tell considering the sheer amount of shit he’s done. Plus who needs a Raid Shadow Legends sponsor when you’ve got a shitty mobile game of your own.
14. Deathbat (Avenged Sevenfold)
Deathbat is lower on this list, because, unlike some of the edgelords that come after him, he seems pretty harmless. Sure he may look at those skeletons holding guns JPEG and unironically think it’s cool, but 14-year-olds need a podcast too. His podcast would probably be interviewing people about how they tricked out their Jeeps or dune buggies, but it would be well-intentioned. We all need a little cringe sometimes.
13. Snaggletooth (Motorhead)
Snaggletooth is the type of dude to find something new to be pissed off about every week. His unhinged rants would be funny at first, and sometimes his anger would be justified, but after the first few episodes, his anger would get old really fast. You know you would tune in for his Lemmy stories.
12. Not Man (Anthrax)
When you look at Not Man you probably think he’s the stereotypical Italian deli worker who somehow recites an entire Scrabble game of random words while you try to order a sandwich and still would make the time to call your girlfriend a “broad.” The guy would be entertaining, but probably give really bad sports betting advice and would simultaneously flaunt his riches, while begging for donations on Patreon.
11. Chaly (Overkill)
Chaly and Deathbat look very similar, and Chaly hates that. Chaly has some more edge, and will constantly point out the fact Deathbat is a bad ripoff of everything he does. Chaly is definitely the type of mascot who makes sure everyone who wears a Thrasher shirt is a “real” skater, even though he only started caring about skating after the Tony Hawk Pro Skater games.
10. Man with the Iron Mask (Quiet Riot)
It’s hard not to feel bad for the man with the Iron Mask, considering he’s in a constant state of fear and clearly a ward of the state. If you like avante-garde noise podcasts of a man screaming by himself then check it out, Bill Burr sort of made a career of it, but Man with the Iron Mask doesn’t have the same comedy chops.
9. Vic Rattlehead (Megadeth)
It’s not fully clear whether or not Vic can actually talk. So if Vic can’t talk, why is he so low on the list? Well, as some members of the band he represents should learn, sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something stupid. Considering that Vic is often portrayed as a politician, I think the fact that he can’t talk is probably for the best. Vic may be a bad podcast host, but it’s for the best. Also, the constant chain rattling would be tough to listen to with headphones in.
8. Cystar (Danzig)
Again, it’s unclear if this guy can talk, to be honest though, if he could, despite being a mascot for Danzig he’d probably talk about new-age paganism, but in a “church burn”-y kinda way. With that considered, it’s probably best if he doesn’t do much talking, there are already enough edgy black metal fans on the internet.
7. Violent Mind (Kreator)
Violent Mind’s name alone makes it safe to assume he unironically relates to the Joker, so that’s an instantly bad sign. Aside from that, he looks like the type of enemy you encounter in a video game about 5 hours in, so his commentary probably wouldn’t be super deep. He’s got a violent mind, that’s about it. Which means it’s probably another MMA podcast.
6. The Guy (Disturbed)
The Guy from Disturbed is just so forgettable. Apparently, he’s supposed to be some anti-hero, savior of humanity, so let’s lump him in with the other generic edgelords and call it a day. He doesn’t even have a name, so the algorithm certainly isn’t going to help him much. If you are looking for a podcast about literature, race in America, gender identity, or even current events, then this is not for you. This podcast will only serve to make you more stupid.
5. Roy (Children of Bodom)
What makes Roy hard to get a read on, is he’s just, standing there for every single album cover. If he’s feeling frisky he might offer you his hand, but still, not much. Roy is the type of dude who takes himself way too seriously. He’d sit there and spout the type of philosophy you’d typically see from middle-aged men on shrooms at a Tool show, except stone-cold sober.
4. Murray (Dio)
Murray would be obnoxious simply because he’d constantly be trying to overcompensate for the fact that his name is Murray. I also don’t think it’s a stretch to say Murray looks like a fascist, so his popularity would solely be based on how much bigotry he could cram into 45 minutes.
3. Jesterhead (In Flames)
There’s no way you call yourself “jesterhead” and aren’t trying to get into comedy so it’s safe to say Jesterhead’s podcast would be under the “comedy” category, but you would listen to it and just feel bad. His bits would consist of saying slurs and then complaining about being canceled, but nobody is actually listening or cares. He would keep getting more bitter that he doesn’t get more downloads until eventually he just talks about how many guns he bought at an out of state gun fair over the weekend.
2. Knarrenheiz (Sodom)
Yeah, just a Nazi. While the band itself is anti-war, it’s hard to believe Knarrenheiz is. The dude enjoys war a little too much and is basically anti-Captain America because clearly there’s nothing fascist about America. Despite how well Ye did on Joe Rogan’s show that one time, Nazis on podcasts is still a bad idea.
1. Knucklehead (Five Finger Death Punch)
While maybe not as openly fascist as some of his peers, Knucklehead is definitely the type of ex-solider to cherish his memories of bombing a hospital. He’s Lockheed Martin’s biggest fan and could somehow connect every decision he’s made back to 9/11. He’d spend his podcast making up a bunch of stories about being a ruthless war hero while giving Detroit Urban Survival Training-level of bad martial arts advice. Safe to say that’s the bottom circle of hell.