15. Ernest
Think Ernest can save your Christmas by forgiving your terrible decisions and giving you the hottest game console on the market? Guess again. This is the Ernest who went to jail with all the crazy electrical powers. Lookout! Metal is flying everywhere!
14. Tomte
Hailing from Sweden, these mythological Christmas creatures resemble, get this, are you ready, it’s gonna blow your mind… gnomes. A tomte, accompanied by his yule goat, will go door to door handing out Christmas presents, but as he is derived from mythological farm protectors, the presents tend to be very agriculture-centric. At best he’ll give you a copy of Farming Simulator 22, but no PS5 to play it on.
13. Amu Nowruz
The Iranian Santa Claus makes his gift-giving rounds at the spring equinox. you could wait around for him, but as long as you keep your nose clean and collect those AA chips you’ll be able to drink and drive again by spring, and who needs a PS5 when you can drink and drive?!
12. Ded Moroz
Russia’s Santa originated as a Slavic snow demon and is helped by his grandaughter Snegurka the Snow Maiden. He’s the only version of Santa known to have a female helper, pretty progressive for a Russian! Though a gift giver, historically he takes umbrage with Western consumerism, so he probably considers a PS5 to be too extravagant to begin with. He is, however, one of the few Santas with a legit nemesis, Baba Yaga, an old witch who eats fried children and steals toys. If you can convince Ded Moroz that your arrest was part of her sinister plan, he might help you out. You were able to convince that judge that this time you’re going sober for good, so who knows?
11. Los Reyes Magos
While Santa Claus is known in Spain, he plays 2nd fiddle to the three wise men. Not a ton of help when it comes to getting a PS5. You don’t know what frankincense and myrrh even do, and even if you are lucky enough to get gold, the trade-in value for precious metals at Gamestop is absurd.
10. Yule Lads
Instead of just one Santa, Iceland has a whole crew of mischievous little imps who, in addition to giving candy to good boys and girls and kidnapping the wicked, like to terrorize communities and wreak havoc. They each have cute little names inspired by their prank of choice, like Spoon-licker who licks all your wooden spoons, or sausage-swiper who, you know, swipes your sausage. The PS5 isn’t really their speed, but, maybe you can join their ranks as the 14th Yule Lad! You can be Swervy, causer of property damage.
9. Babbo Natale
Your best bet for winning over the Italian Santa is leaving him a nice a’fresh’a a’pizza with a bottle of pinot grigio and maybe a Soprano’s box set? Just be sure to cover all of your furniture in plastic for some reason or you will incur his wrath. Hey, oh, we kid, we kid!
8. The Tim Allen Santa Claus
He will forgive you for the DUI, Tim Allen is a man who knows we all make mistakes, and he’s been on the wrong side of the law before. Unfortunately, he had to liquidate all of the PS5s he had this year. Turns out The North Pole was running a little low on “snow,” twinkle eye wink.
7. A Mall Santa
He sympathizes with the DUI, brother. PS5 you say? He knows about a shipment going down. Secluded dock, very low security, easily overtaken. All he needs is a wheel man, a couple of cool customers behind the steel, and one loose-canon psycho in case the shit goes down. We keep one each, flip the rest, even split. You in? Hey, where you goin’?
6. Super Saiyan Santa
When Santa charges up to Super Saiyan his power level and attributes triple, including the radness of his gifts and his capacity for forgiveness! Just be sure to leave him plenty of milk and Senzu beans, and be patient. This Santa is going to spend like 6 episodes charging up before he does jack shit.
5. La Befana
An Italian witch from which the tradition of giving coal to naughty children is derived, Befana would be unlikely to give you any present, let alone one as extravagant as a PS5, after what you and your car did to that Children’s center. However, we may know a way to squeeze her. According to legend she was asked to join the three wise men giving gifts to baby Jesus, but refused because she was too busy. Then she changed her mind, but the wise men had left, and try as she might she couldn’t find baby Jesus on her own. They say she is still searching to this day. If you can convince Befana that you know the whereabouts of the baby Jesus, you might just be ringing in the new year with Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare.
4. Biker Who Looks Like Santa
He sympathizes with the DUI, brother. PS5 you say? He knows about a shipment going down. Secluded dock, very low security, easily overtaken. All he needs is a wheel man, a couple of cool customers behind the steel, and one loose-canon psycho in case… wait, are you the mall Santa?
3. Noel Baba
Okay, you’re going to want to pull out all the stops trying to win over Noel Baba. Unlike most Santas, he’s known for giving gifts to children and adults alike, and he’s secular, so he’ll agree with you that 12-step programs are a load of religious bullshit. Plead your case, and don’t forget to say “regretful mistake” every time you want to say “deliberate joy ride I have every intention of repeating.”
2. Claymation Santa
He’ll forgive you because he’s from a children’s movie and doesn’t know any better, but he can only give you a lame clay version of the PS5 that only plays a claymation version of NBA 2K24, which is kinda cool I guess but really doesn’t do the graphics card justice!
1. The Santa Who Conquered The Martians
He could forgive the buffoonery of Dropo and the bloodthirsty ruthlessness of Voltar, which is good news for you because your actions that fateful night exemplify both!
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