Dwarves
This one’s clearly going to offend a bunch of your fellow passengers, but might also give others weird boners. Best to avoid the whole situation and wear a Ramones shirt instead.
Maroon 5
This is a very specific entry that relates to a TSA officer named Steven Dubrowski who works at Newark Liberty International Airport. He was pantsed by Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine in fifth grade—and yes, he’s still holding a grudge. Steven will definitely tackle you in a blind rage if he sees you wearing Maroon 5 merch.
Nirvana
The fact that you’re waltzing around an airport in a shirt that celebrates smoking crack, sodomy and worshiping Satan indicates you vastly overestimate the average TSA officer’s appreciation of irony.
Rotting Christ
Jesus is as American as baseball and school shootings, so to suggest our Lord and savior is a rotting corpse is not only sacrilegious, it’s practically treason. If you’re in a red state airport wearing this shirt, there’s a chance you’ll be abducted and thrown in a Christofascist re-education camp.
Dream Theater
Eagle-eyed TSA officers will surely spot this shirt’s burning World Trade Centers and Statue of Liberty and are going to have some questions about your patriotism. Your only hope is that one of your interrogators is a big Mike Portnoy fan and the two of you can bond over wacky time signatures.
Anal Cunt
I have to say I’m with the Feds on this one. There are kids and grandmothers in the airport, you sick fuck. You deserve the humiliation of having a TSA officer force you to swap it for a Counting Crows tee from lost and found. Have you no shame? Of course not, you’re a fucking AxCx fan.
Militarie Gun
So you decided to wear a shirt featuring a huge illustration of cannabis to the airport, huh? The Devil’s lettuce may be legal in whatever commie state you’re from, but it’s still verboten in much of the US. Couple that with the giant word “gun” and you’re just begging to be singled out.
Bad Brains
There’s nothing like an image of the Capitol building being destroyed to set off alarm bells. However, there’s a chance some dipshit MAGA officer will think it’s a pro-January 6 symbol and ask you if you want to grab a beer sometime.
Dead Kennedys
Out-of-touch officers who have never heard of the seminal punk band may think you’re making a veiled threat against anti-vax hero RFK Jr. if you’re seen wearing a DK shirt.
Molchat Doma
This Belarusian band’s style is derived from Soviet aesthetics, which will probably trigger a reaction in older TSA officers who remember when Russia was the bad guy. However, if they’re team Trump these days, they think Putin is “based” and might only want to compliment you on your garment.
New Bomb Turks
You may receive a light beating for wearing this shirt—not because of the word “bomb,” but because the name is a reference to a character played by Robert Wuhl in the 1980 movie “The Hollywood Knights,” and everyone naturally loathes Robert Wuhl (federal officers included).
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Khanate
This sludgy supergroup named themselves after the term for ancient Mongol clans which were led by a Khan (you know, like Ghengis). However, the word is foreign enough to be vaguely unsettling to officers and worthy of at least a thorough pat-down.
Dying Fetus
Listen, heathen: This is America, and folks around here don’t cotton to talk about the unborn dying. However, once they’re born, have at it—the pro-life crowd doesn’t give a shit about people outside of the period between conception and birth.
The Queers
This shirt will get you some sidelong glances at minimum, and you may be pulled aside because the word “queer” made some Fox News-watching boomers uneasy.
Municipal Waste
It’s hard to believe, but not everyone thinks this is the greatest band shirt in history. You’ll probably be tackled right in the Hudson News line while wearing this one. Well, as they say, there’s no accounting for taste.
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