“Blue In the Face”
‘It’s about time’ that we seriously reevaluated the type of message we’re trying to send here. If you’re already feeling the need to ‘come clean’ with a newfound infatuation you’re already off to a rocky start. Putting a song that ends with the fan favorite line ‘your coffin or mine?’ won’t do much to instill confidence in the longevity of your latest tryst.
“Smoke”
Remember how we said space is important in a relationship? This one takes it too far. Consistency is also a vital component in the recipe that creates romantic interest. This song talks about being away for months at a time routinely. That’s not going to bode well for the honeymoon phase, and that’s assuming you even get there after pulling this shit.
“Dethbed”
Jesus, dramatic much? This little ditty suggests that if your new fling ever leaves you you’ll be found dead in the street mere hours later. A literal corpse slain by the empty promise of love. Apparently if those who find your lifeless body call anybody but your crush, all hope will be lost. If you ask us, that’s a pretty significant red flag. As they say, if you can’t love yourself…
“Fine Without You”
One of the grandiose romantic gestures mentioned in this song details murdering someone and eating their flesh. Your crush probably would never ask you to do that, so why offer it in the first place? This is without mentioning that a relationship will likely be difficult to maintain when you’re in a maximum security prison for cannibalism.
“We Can Never Break Up”
We probably shouldn’t have to tell you that starting a relationship with an ultimatum is ill advised, but here we are. Forcing someone into a courtship and explicitly stating that it cannot be ended under any circumstances is abuse, no matter how many cute lines pad the message. The writers of this song will probably tell you it was just a joke. That’s called gaslighting.
“Do You Wanna Know?”
Andriano suggests in this catchy number that his underlying anger problem and possessive nature will one day ‘bury us all.’ Apparently he ‘needs you to reciprocate’ so he doesn’t figuratively and literally ‘blow up to bits.’ Wow. Frankly, we have no desire to know what his love is, and your recent adoration will sure as shit not want to know about yours if this one winds up on the mix.
“Dine, Dine, My Darling”
There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about growing old with someone you love. Even if that’s what you have in mind for your hopefully soon-to-be bae, it’s a little intense to voice that right away. It’s VERY intense to put it into the words Andriano has chosen here. No one wants to think about having their partner’s final breath in their mouth, especially in the fragile early stages of a potential romance.
“I’m Only Here to Disappoint”
Honesty is usually the best policy, but an ideal crush playlist should instill hope. If you lay out all the reasons you might let someone down, it probably won’t bode well for the attraction you’re hoping to achieve. If Alkaline Trio had a song called ‘I’m Only Here to Exceed Your Wildest Expectations’ you could consider that one. Sadly, they don’t have a song by that name that we are aware of, so leave this one off.
“Stay”
Did you know that most healthy couples actually argue semi-frequently? Of course you didn’t if you’re using this song as a guideline. Andriano is at it again here with his perfect relationship advice. Have a problem so deep rooted it might lead to the end of your relationship? Just brush it off. Let it get bigger and bigger until neither party has the will or strength to mend it. That’s exactly the mentality your crush will want you to have.
“Kiss You to Death”
Dating is hard enough without thinking about being murdered in the sloppiest way possible. How would you even accomplish something like this? All the images we’ve come up with are super unpleasant. This track will only raise questions, and not the fun ones like ‘what’s your favorite color?’ but more in the realm of ‘are you planning on murdering me in a literal sense with your mouth if we decide to get intimate?’ It goes without saying that it’s not the best look for you.
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