Music has the power to help us heal and get to the core of our deepest feelings. In fact, many who need honest-to-god-actual therapy often refer to music as their ‘therapist.’ Because you’re not the latter, you’ve recently started the daunting task of taking your mental health seriously. To help ease your nerves, you might be looking toward some of your favorite lyricists to help you express your feelings into words at your next appointment. You’ve always heard that The Blood Brothers have eloquent, visceral, and stirring poetic lyrics. Before you start writing down their couplets to impress your therapist with your emotional intelligence, here are fifteen of their songs that you should avoid at all costs.
“We Ride Skeletal Lightning”
“The only thing that makes our blood feel like blood: stealing cars and watching lightning bolts fuck”
First off, that’s two things, not one. Sounds like you should be seeing a math tutor instead of a therapist. This is without mentioning that even though your shrink has a confidentiality agreement with you, they’re probably a snitch. Keep your predilection for grand theft auto to yourself, bud.
“Doctor! Doctor!”
“I wanna cut the corners off your lips. I wanna shave the angles off your cheeks”
Wooooooooah, buddy. Chances are your therapist doesn’t take too kindly to threats, so you should probably leave this one on the editing room floor. Also, what the fuck does that even mean? Angles off your cheeks? That sounds like something The Joker would say, meaning not only would your therapist think you’re violent, but worse, a total fucking nerd.
“New York Slave”
“Now every dripping chest wound is getting little guilt feelings”
It’s important and sometimes even brave to articulate your emotions via poetry, but this line is borderline psychotic at best. Unless your goal is to be committed, consider softening the language a bit.
“1, 2, 3, 4 Act Two: Now You’re The Bitch…”
“Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss… kiss me on the mouth”
We’re all human, and unrequited feelings of attraction are part of the experience. Still, there is a time and a place. Needless to say, your bi-weekly counseling appointment is neither, unless you’re finally ready to unravel your fear of vulnerability, which we know you’re not.
“Lift the Veil, Kiss the Tank”
“Hoist up the hag of destitution!”
If anything, we should be lowering the hag of destitution. This is of course with the hope that the lyric is a metaphor in the first place. If it isn’t, that’s not really the healthiest way to talk about your mother. Your therapist will likely want you to explore that.
“Peacock Skeleton With Crooked Feathers”
“There’s a peacock on your shoulder
Pole dancing around your neck
While reciting the Book of Revelation”
The fuck are you on about? Aside from the hallucinatory properties of this line, which will concern your professional immediately, it doesn’t bode well for you symbolically. Peacocks generally represent confidence, a personality trait you’ve been working on. Context is everything though, and you’ve taken it too far with this nonsense.
“1,2,3,4 Guitars”
“I guarantee by spring we’ll either be world-famous or goddamned dead”
Your ‘all or nothing’ mentality recently made work so stressful that you began having episodes of sleep paralysis. It’s why you came to therapy in the first place. Unless you want to unravel months of work and render thousands of dollars wasted, it’s best to avoid uttering this line.
“Time For Tenderness”
“Desolation! I can’t stand to fuck these walls!”
Without getting into the questionable logistics of fornicating with a wall, it seems like there’s a pretty simple solution here: stop getting freaky with the damn walls! Your therapist isn’t in hundreds of thousands of dollars in academic debt to explain simple biology to you. Just Google it.
“Crimes”
“And if we rob the mayor’s mansion
We’ll pawn his modern art and make a fortune”
It’s definitely possible your therapist will be into this plan considering the aforementioned academic debt, but they’d probably chicken out and bail on you at the last second. This is more of a proposition for your shifty-as-fuck dentist, as all dentists are secretly criminals adept in heists.
“Kiss of the Octopus”
“The cloud of humming octopi spin the mucus crown of eternal life!”
While your therapist will be glad to hear that you are applying positive thinking to aid in a more vibrant and happy lifestyle, this choice of metaphor is sure to raise other questions like: ‘these ‘octopi,’ are they in the room with us now?’
“Trash Flavored Trash”
“I wanna see more dirty faces”
Are you referring to the Rorschach test you took last week? If so, your doctor is certainly going to want to take some more notes.
“Guitarmy”
“We doused your TV set in propane, turned up the gain!”
As many science nerds and King of the Hill fans alike know, propane is only a liquid when it is under immense levels of pressure. Therefore, there is no way you can ‘douse’ anything in it. Also, most TV sets don’t have a ‘gain’ setting. Your therapist will have more questions than answers if you let this one out.
“Rat Rider”
“Rat tails just sprout from your scalp”
When you enter therapy, there is a risk of being told things you don’t want to hear. While your first instinct may be to lash out and insult your therapist, it’s not very conducive to your healing. In fact, you may find that you are merely projecting your inner turmoil. Before throwing a jab at your doctor for their hairstyle, stop and consider whether or not it’s you feeling self-conscious about your own hair.
“American Vultures”
“Stumbling from the alleyway walking a vulture
Or is the vulture walking you?”
Are you fucking high? Therapy is not the time for your philosophical bullshit. In fact, we’re pretty sure this existential ‘who’s really in charge?’ stuff is the reason you booked an appointment in the first place. No one is impressed, least of all your therapist.
“USA Nails”
“Can you hear them taking me away?
Don’t tell those fucking guards what I’ve said
And can you see the angels stringing wires through my face?
Meet me next week, same time, same place!”
Chances are if you’re springing this absolutely psychotic passage in the lobby of Dr. Monroe’s office something has gone terribly wrong. What, exactly, we do not know. We can only imagine that there were several de-escalation tactics you could have employed before it got this far though. Why even go to therapy if you aren’t going to apply the lessons?