I’m at the deli orderin my sandwich, mindin my own business, and I notice the pair of tits behind the counter is bein real skimp with the pickles. So I POLITELY say, “Hey don’t go jewin’ me on those pickles!” And this broad has the nerve to look at me like I’m some kinda freakin retard or somethin!
Shit like this has been happening all the time in my day to day life and frankly, I do not get it. When did we become such a nation of pussies? It’s like nobody can take a joke anymore! All these pansies wanna point their fingers at me and call me offensive but you know what? With the exception of blacks, Jews, immigrants (who don’t fucking belong here in the first place), liberals, and those cock suckin Yankees fans, I’M JUST SAYING WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING!
Take my nephew Todd, or as I’ve started calling him, Mr. Big Shot PC Culture. This 14-year-old kid is a total pansy. I buy this little prick a brand fuckin new Red Socks cap for his birthday, and I mean this is like a NICE hat you know, got the sticker, everything!
I want him to take good care of this fuckin Sox hats so I tell him, “Hey you take good care of that hat you understand? Keep it clean, don’t lose it, and don’t let one of those black kids at school take it from you.” And all the sudden just because I want him to take good care of his hat I’m a fucking racist?! Give me a fuckin break, right? So, I turn to my brother and I says “See, this is what you get when you don’t hit your kids!” and now I’m a backward-thinking, ignorant, drunk?!
Get the fuck outta here, I’m just saying the things every single person on the planet except for the above mentioned groups, ethnicities, and probably all women are thinking. Lighten up! Laugh a little!
And don’t get me started on the workplace today, Jesus! They got the PC police swarming over there harder than a jew on a nickel! After four years on the job, SOBER almost all the time mind you, I need racial sensitivity training just because I called a Jewish coworker a “libtarded little heeb.” Well I got news for Mr. HR Department, that heeb voted for fuckin Bernie Sanders, and he’s a Yankees season ticket holder! If that little Aaron Judge cock suckin jew-boy isn’t full on libtarded, I DON’T KNOW WHO IS! But you know what I do know?
All I’m doing is saying what every single person on this EARTH who happens to be exactly like me is thinking! OK?!
What can I say, I tell it like it is. Anyway, I gotta get outta here. My husband and I are headed to the gay pride parade and I wanna get a good spot before the Puerto Ricans take em all.
Article by Dan Rice @danricecomedy