NEW YORK — New York Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani revealed that plans for his mayoral term will include providing shitty local dive bands with free tour buses, confirmed sources.
“The first 100 days in office are crucial, and as we work on providing free buses for all of New York, I plan to extend the offer to the worst Bushwick dive bands I can find. It’s important as New Yorkers that we support the arts no matter how out of tune their bass guitar is or how many women they’ve given chlamydia to,” explained Mamdani. “Who knows, they could be the next Geese. Or maybe they’ll ride the tour bus out of the city and will settle far away in upstate New York with unrealized dreams that morph into an obsession with IPAs and television made before their hair began thinning.”
Local dive band Red Piss Ants was reportedly thrilled with the new legislation.
“This is so huge for us really. We’ve spent so many years spitting Zyns out on the subway and fighting public intoxication charges, now we can just drunk-ride home from the pub that we play in. If only real venues would book us then this would really be exciting,” marveled frontman Simon Mathis. “We won’t be slaves to the train anymore. Plus, we can finally tour in farther places, ones we’ve never been to before. Like Rutherford, New Jersey.”
However, Upper West Side band Honks found the new legislation to be a bit stringent.
“So it turns out in order to qualify for the government tour bus subsidy you have to be artistically underprivileged, so because we have management and play at actual venues we aren’t eligible to receive a free bus,” groveled bassist Jason George. “Why can’t we get support? We’re still nowhere near the top. Whatever happened to supporting the middle class? This is like stimulus checks all over again. I suppose it’s good he’s freezing rents though. At least we have a rent-controlled studio to smash instruments and think about making a record in.”
At press time, Mamdani was found at a rally revealing that his run for mayor was actually just a guerilla marketing front to promote his rap career.
