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Woman Frantically Trying to Fix Bluetooth Speaker Ruins Party More Than Broken Speaker Would Have

OMAHA, Neb. — Local basement party host and neurotic mess Eloise Krantz destroyed everything in her path Saturday night while trying to fix her broken speaker to help ensure that partiers had a good time, vexed sources confirm.

“I tried to play a healthy mix of ABBA, early 2000s hits, and funk to hype people up, and I even threw in some Modest Mouse too, in case they thought that those were weird. But my stupid $50 speaker kept cutting out,” said Krantz. “It was a nightmare — the first time it got fuzzy, my heart dropped, and I had to take an emergency Ativan. I ran away mid-conversation like, 12 times to go fix it. I just couldn’t have anyone thinking that I threw a bad party. But after a few hours, I finally got it to work by propping it against a case of beer, so I’m sure everyone had fun.”

Party guest Oliver Mitchell, however, proved Krantz’s assumptions false.

“I’d rate that party, like, two stars at most. She didn’t have enough beer, and was too concerned with the music to let anyone even talk to each other or play beer pong or anything,” said Mitchell. “A bunch of us just left and drank 40s in the 7-Eleven parking lot, so the night ended up being pretty good, overall.”

Krantz’s roommate and co-host Kiera Emmerson was appalled by how the party they’d planned was ruined.

“She can never keep it cool. I saw her leaning over a couple grinding on each other to make sure the speaker was plugged in,” said Emmerson. “Then she ran around for two hours asking everyone if they happened to have a USB-C cable on hand. I was gonna tell her that her desperation for approval was super obvious, but then I remembered that I had promised I’d give this guy my last beer, so I just let her be.”

Krantz reportedly hosted a second, less-attended party last night, where people sat in silence as she spent the entire time trying to get Spotify to work on her TV.