NEW YORK — Local woman Pam Carter was reportedly so amped up from another raucous International Women’s Day that she openly carried a tampon down a long hallway to her office’s bathroom, confirmed multiple bearded, aghast sources.
“I usually conceal my tampon in an empty Doritos bag in my purse then put my purse in a sealed Amazon box then stash the box inside a lockable filing cabinet,” said Carter. “It’s a hassle to haul the whole filing cabinet back and forth to the restroom, but I’m not playing that game. Not today the most sacred of days. I’m gonna let everyone know I have this tampon and that it will soon be inserted inside me. The looks everyone gave me were priceless, I just hope nobody files an HR complaint.”
Kyle Jones, an accountant who keeps a personal supply of Charmin under his desk, was offended by the sudden appearance of tampons in the open.
“Of course we all knew about Pam’s disgusting bathroom habit but it was easier to ignore when she wasn’t so in-your-face about it. There’s a time and a place for personal things like that and it’s not in the office, menstrual cycles should be saved for nighttime and weekends,” said Jones, while openly looking at NSFW images on his company computer. “When I think about what Pam does in the bathroom I think about blood and thinking about blood is scary. We all just felt a lot safer when she was dragging the file cabinet back and forth to the bathroom, although it did scratch up the floor remarkably.”
Will Tide, president of the Custodians Union Local 899, has seen firsthand the chaos open tampon use has caused.
“I’ve always been a supporter of women’s rights but historically there’s an uptick in bathroom issues the week after International Women’s Day. We make sure to send out multiple reminders about the delicate pipes in the offices that make up our great city,” said Tide. “We know most men in an office environment get worked up which leads to them making more trips to the bowl and I have my suspicions that they are bringing in toilet paper from an outside source. 2-ply. These old pipes can’t handle the additional ply! There’s been a lot of clogs.”
At press time, Mr. Tide was seen putting the door to the women’s bathroom at the Viacom offices back on its hinges as several employees had taken to opening the door via roundhouse kick while loudly condemning the patriarchy.