I’ve been doomed upon this fate for many of years. Sure, I may look powerful with my crystal ball and steed, but I assure you this is no merry life. This van mural is the air brushed dungeon from which I cannot escape.
Do not trust Keith, the pony-tailed man who owns this van. This is his doing! Keith is but his mortal name. In reality he is my nemesis- the Dad-Rock Warlock. If you don’t watch out lightning will shoot from his fingerless leather gloves!
He has made me suffer as he spent the past decade making driving around blasting the same Rush CD over and over. At least put on something besides Fly By Night for once!
Would you find it in your heart to set me free? When my powers are restored I can give you anything you desire. Much like Keith’s bumper sticker, I can offer you ass, cash, or grass. Unlimited supplies of them all if you want! A wizard is known to keep his promises.
To liberate me from this curse you must collect these items. First, you must acquire the sacred key. Or any key, really. Once you do you must scrape it against the sides of this cursed van leaving a swear word engraved. Then you must find the Hero’s Hammer. With it you can smash the enchanted windows. Finally, you must find the sacred sugar of Moonstone and pour it into the gas tank!
Oh shit, I hear the Dad-Rock Warlock’s approach. I must return to silence but do not forget this quest! Don’t say anything of this to Keith. Do not take up his offer for a swig of his Jack Daniels either. It is but a sinister elixir to fool you.
While you’re at it, can you save my wife as well? She’s the mermaid imprisoned as a tattoo on his forearm.