Here at the Hard Times, we’re no strangers to waking up from a drug-induced slumber in a dingy bathroom next to a bunch of random people and no idea how we got here. But when a little clown puppet with a soul patch and a red Yankees hat asked us how much we were willing to sacrifice for the nookie, we knew this wasn’t a typical hangover. Well turns out Jigsaw is a massive nu-metal fan, because a sinister voice has commanded us to rank the top 15 Limp Bizkit songs, or he’s gonna take a cookie and stick it up our—well, you know.
15. “Hold On”
When we realized we were wallet-chained to a wall next to a hacksaw, it became pretty clear Jigsaw wanted us to suffer for making fun of his beloved nu-metal. We thought we could appease him by putting Limp Bizkit’s most earnest song on the list to prove we were taking this seriously, but some contraption broke a bunch of our fingers and now we can’t hold on to the saw and escape.
14. “Boiler”
Fred Durst bares his soul in a song that’s surprisingly vulnerable considering it appears on a record named after buttholes, but at seven minutes long we contemplated just letting the laser collar trap dice us up chocolate starfish-first.
13. “Hot Dog”
Hot Dog hits the ‘fuck’ quota needed to earn the coveted Parental Advisory sticker in roughly 30 seconds, freeing Fred Durst up to spend the rest of the song ripping Trent Reznor. Speaking of getting ripped up, we had to crawl over an enormous hot dog roller covered in barbed wire to get out of this one.
12. “Pollution”
Truly a fitting soundtrack while you’re being forced to put on jean shorts, take your shirt off, and then start a pushpit in a hole full of dirty hypodermic needles.
11. “Eat You Alive”
When the clown-faced man re-appeared we thought we were gonna get instructions for the next game, but turns out it was just Wes Borland. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for him to get tired of whipping us with a cat o’ nine tails made from guitar strings, and he just left to go work on other projects before this song finished.
10. “Counterfeit”
Limp Bizkit really was beefing with a lot of bands, huh? Well Jigsaw commanded us to ‘open our eyes to see beyond the mask called counterfeit’ by fishing a key out from behind our eye socket, but we’re kind of hoping it’s our ears next time.
9. “Re-Arranged”
By this point we were warming up to the idea of having our heads torn off by the reverse bear trap, but Jigsaw was pretty insistent that we finish ranking songs first. The sinister voice told us that the only way to get this trap off was by “rearranging” Carson Daly’s internal organs and retrieving a key from his torso before the song ended—and yes Jigsaw, we see what you did there, you’re very clever.
8. “My Generation”
Just like when Fred Durst let his fellow bandmates shine on “My Generation,” Jigsaw brought in some backup for this one. It was bad enough when we were strapped into a torture rack while John Otto beat us relentlessly with drumsticks, but DJ Lethal scratching as our pained screams echoed through the torture chamber just added insult to injury.
7. “My Way”
Fred declares it’s my way or the highway, but turns out ‘Jigsaw’s Way’ is through the razor wire maze.
6. “Take a Look Around”
Jigsaw must not have taken kindly to his favorite band providing a song for the Mission Impossible 2 soundtrack instead of Saw, because the exec that greenlit the decision just had the flesh torn from his skull with exploding sunglasses straight out of the movie. On the plus side, the slow-motion doves flying by in the background while his head detonated looked cool as shit.
5. “Rollin (Air Raid Vehicle)”
Look, we wouldn’t usually admit a song this embarrassing was in our top five if we weren’t coerced, but Jigsaw made us do the stupid Rollin’ dance on a pile of loose legos until we confessed. It was easily the most painful thing so far, and the only thing that kept us going was the chorus was catchy enough to help us ignore the pain.
4. “Faith”
This high-energy George Michael cover melts your fuckin’ face off when the chorus kicks in, much like the vat of boiling hot dog water that just got poured onto the guy next to us.
3. “N 2 Gether Now”
Listening to Fred Durst’s singing for an extended period of time can feel like its own unique form of torture, but thankfully Method Man’s mellow rapping over a DJ Premier gem gave us a needed reprieve. Unfortunately, Jigsaw might have recruited another new apprentice because we just saw Meth put a coat hanger on a fuckin’ stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour like ‘tsss’.
2. “Nookie”
Fine, we admit it! We boosted this CD from Tower Records in ‘99 so we could listen to “Nookie” on loop. Ow! Fine, it was an FYE and we paid for it. Ow! Okay, it was Walmart, it was the edited version, and our mom bought it. We loved the song and Grandma got us a shirt from Hot Topic for Christmas. Is that what you wanted to hear? Now stop with the cookies.
1. “Break Stuff”
‘Everything is fucked, everybody sucks! You don’t really know why, but you want to justify, rippin’ someone’s head off!’ It’s clear John Kramer heard this banger on TRL, and like many troubled young people, made it his whole personality. We’re unsure if this is what he wanted us to take away from this deadly experiment, but we’re just saying that the soul patch he’s rocking in the first Saw makes a lot more sense now.