TRUMANSBURG, N.Y. — Local vegan James Alta announced plans to increase his number of matches on various dating platforms by posing with a bag of frozen Gardein F’sh Filets in lieu of an actual fish.
“Women are obviously attracted to men holding fish, hence so many men having these pictures in their profiles,” said Alta. “I obviously don’t fish, plus hooks freak me out, and let’s be honest, fish are kind of gross. My cousins are really into fishing, and they’ve offered for me to come along and hold one of the fish they catch so I can get a picture for my dating apps, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I want to make the women who see me on here uncomfortable while adhering to my own values.”
While Alta remains confident that such a photograph will lead to more dates, those close to him have expressed concerns over this strategy, including Alta’s long-time friend, Matthew Parry.
“I basically begged him not to do it. James desperately needs to get laid, and this isn’t going to help,” said Parry. “He already got banned from Hinge for posting a picture of himself shirtless and covered in feathers and fake blood from a protest outside of a KFC, which I thought was awesome at first until I found out why. He should just stick with pretending to hike like everyone else.”
Ashley Harp, who matched with Alta on Tinder, reports that she promptly unmatched him after a couple of text exchanges about the photograph.
“At first I thought it was a joke, and I found it really funny,” said Harp. “But then we matched and I realized he’s the same douchey bro who pretends to be ‘ethically non-monogamous and complained about filters just like the actual fish guys. Honestly, I’d rather match with one of the many men in Oakleys and a Bass Pro hat holding an actual fish, at least we can talk about The Office together.”
At press time, sources reported that Alta was retaking the image while wearing waders knee-deep in a nearby pond, and updating the caption to “Must love adventures.”