DENVER — Local baker Charlotte Donovan, who specializes in vegan gluten-free baked goods, reported that she almost forgot to add a secret moisture-evaporating ingredient that makes all of her baked goods dry and crumbly, sources pissed they spent $7 on this shit confirm.
“I can’t believe these muffins almost had the chance to be fluffy and moist. I’m just happy I caught it in time,” said Donovan, proprietor of The Gaia Tree. ”I put this ingredient in everything I make. I’ve been doing this a long time and know that what my customers want is dry, flaky foods that disintegrate at even the slightest touch. They intentionally seek out the sensation of sawdust and glue in their mouth, and honestly, I’m just shocked I got so far into my very expensive and highly guarded secret recipe without realizing the error of my ways.”
Some customers of Donovan’s shop report not being so sure that the moisture-obliterating ingredient is necessary, however.
“That’s not at all what I want this stuff to taste like,” said Vincent Campanetto, a regular customer of The Gaia Tree. “It’s like if you took one of those Nature Valley granola bars, smashed it all up, and then formed it into the shape of a donut or something. Like the sandworms from that movie ‘Dune’ would say this shit is dry. I only go there because it’s the only place in town where I can get things like this. I just wish Charlotte would realize it’s not the ‘90s anymore and things that are vegan and gluten-free can actually taste good now.”
Whole Foods Executive Eric Loman says the company has had its eye on Donovan’s bakery for years.
“We have been thinking of offering to buy her shop for her terrible recipe,” said Loman. “After collecting research from the vast data mining and illegal user listening efforts of our parent company, we realized that some people actually want healthy options for baked goods. We figured that what people wanted were things like banana bread that tastes like tiling grout. We tried to perfect the recipe but never got it right, so this lady is our last hope. It’s honestly just easier for us to throw a bunch of money at things like this to get our way. Even if this baker resists us, she’ll fold eventually. They always do.”
At press time, Donovan mentioned how her Alexa has suddenly started saying things like “wouldn’t it be nice to retire to the Cayman Islands and not have to keep secrets anymore, Charlotte?”