BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local vegan Chuck Miller opened up about his struggle to eat vegetables, particularly carrots, after he’s given them names and personalities, irreverent sources reported.
“So what? I give my carrots names and sometimes dress them up in little costumes with vegan marshmallow eyes and a raisin nose and bean-sprout hair glued to their temples with non-honey honey,” said Miller, a class-action attorney. “This one I like to call Dr. Crunchy. He has a PhD in Yummies from Vitamin A University. That’s an Ivy League school, by the way. And would you look at this cute little coconut-shred collar-stay I put in his lettuce-leaf shirt! Ooh, you are so cute, Dr. Crunchy! I could just eat you up! Not literally. Actually, the only thing I can ethically consume anymore is beans. Mainly because naming individual garbanzo beans would just be psychotic.”
Miller’s life partner, Emma Robinson, expressed irritation at her husband’s reluctance to eat the “very expensive” organic groceries they buy each week at their local farmer’s market.
“It makes things very difficult for us to get calories, when he’s always like, ‘No! Don’t eat that! You’re going to ruin the friendship!’ and always giving our daughter Elizabeth vegetables in ‘families’ of three that resemble us,” said Robinson. “Often Elizabeth cries when she comes home because she ate something and ruined Daddy’s little ‘world.’ I can’t live like this! When I was a kid I would eat a whole stalk of celery and feel nothing. Now I feel like a savage when I take a bite out of Todd, which is the apple Chuck named this morning.”
Celebrity vegan Travis Barker sympathized with Miller, going so far as to say that plants are “people too.”
“What have they done to harm anyone? And yet look at the way we treat them—gnashing them with our teeth, forcing them down our throats even as they scream, ‘No! No!’ and shoving them off into our undignified large intestines. Nobody deserves that—especially not my little drummer friends Fig Collins and Ringo Starr-Fruit,” said the Blink-182 drummer, holding up two pieces of dolled-up produce. “‘Protect plants’ is what I say. ‘Save the plants!’ That’s why I’ve sworn off eating altogether. It’s inhumane.”
At press time, Miller also revealed that it was much more difficult to drink water after he’s named each individual glass of it.