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Vans Introduces Tiniest Chess Set for Checkerboard Sneakers

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Shoe and apparel company Vans announced the release today of a new line of tiny chess sets to accompany their signature checkerboard slip-on sneakers.

“At Vans, we have a soft spot for punk kids who are secretly chess-loving, sudoku-playing, straight-A-receiving brainiacs,” said Vans public relations representative Chazzmen Foster. “Those geeks are going to be the first of their friends to sell-out and get real jobs, and we saw an opportunity to capitalize on their future income. This tiny chess set is part of our rebranding initiative to make loser nerds feel more welcome in the skate punk community.”

Early adopters have used the new chess sets to make otherwise boring situations more fun, playing with them in concert security lines, venue bathrooms, and during opening bands’ sets.

“Shoe chess is a great way to pass the time at shows,” said local punk Ian Wolsten. “Most bands always take so fucking long to set up. I made six different moves before they even finished adjusting the hi-hats, and in the amount of time it took for them to tune their guitars, I hit ‘checkmate’ twice.”

Unfortunately, reports of the pieces easily falling off, distracting students, and causing hours-long foot cramps have flooded the Vans customer service inbox.

“I haven’t been able to move my foot for three hours,” said Orange County mall goth Lucia Alejo outside of Hot Topic. “Two of my friends have been playing an endless game of chess on my shoe, and I can’t even go to the bathroom until they’re finished. I pounded a four pack of Monster while sitting here and am probably going to piss myself.”

“Why didn’t they just sell a set of checkers with the shoe?” she added. “I would’ve been outta here in like, six minutes.”

At press time, Vans CEO Steve Van Doren addressed Alejo’s concern by announcing that Vans is saving their tiniest checkerboard set to accessorize their signature black-and-white Deppster belts.

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