DENVER — A urinal cake spotted in the bathroom of Low Clearance raised concerns that the beloved venue may be veering away from their squalid roots and gradually gentrifying, confirmed sources.
“I’ve seen it all before,” said Tim Klaw, a regular at Low Clearance. “This is CBGB all over again. Just you wait. It can be a slow creep but soon enough this place will be crawling with idiot hipsters who have never even heard of The Descendants let alone be able to name three songs. In any case, all I can tell you is I’m not about to start tipping the bartender for every goddamn PBR. As we all know, urinal cakes are a slippery slope to tipping screens.”
Low Clearance bouncer Jarvin “The Wall” Baker pulled no punches when asked how venue gentrification could impact his job.
“I’ve been working at LC for about a decade. I’ve seen it all. I saw the urinal cake bathroom upgrade and it’s like you’re pissing in a mansion now. I’m none too pleased,” said Baker. “Look, I had a kid, probably 14, pull a knife on me the other day. As I chase him off, he starts chucking ninja stars at me. I mean for fuck’s sake. All I’m gonna say is this better not mean no bullshit rules about ‘the right way’ to throw out some piece of shit who is acting like a total scumbag. Know what I mean? For me, trash goes in the dumpster. End of story.”
Renowned sociologist Dr. Ash Skansmill explained how the appearance of urinal cakes is a classic stepping stone in the well-studied venue gentrification process.
“Early signs of gentrification often involve small changes such as the appearance of a hand dryer in the bathroom instead of, well, nothing at all,” said Dr. Skansmill. “Then we see an upward trend towards status quo norms associated with cleanliness. Next steps might include the sudden appearance of napkins when they were never previously available. This slow creep, not unlike the hedonic treadmill, pushes out regulars and turns outsider spaces into trendy spots that appeal to upwardly mobile members of society. This culminates in outsiders being forced out of their natural fringe habitat by yuppies. It’s tragic to witness this time and time again.”
At press time, gentrification rumors were indeed confirmed after regulars noticed a new can of Lysol and bottle of Febreze in the restroom.