JERSEY CITY, N.J. — An unidentified man is still at large today after five separate incidents of parting people by delicately placing his hands on their hips during a punk show in Jersey City on Tuesday night, multiple creeped out sources confirmed.
“It was the strangest thing — I was just drinking my beer, watching my friends’ Radiohead tribute band, and all of a sudden, I feel these hands on my waist gently guiding me to my right. I was helpless to do anything but move aside six or eight inches,” said show attendee Vidhya Patel. “It was so crowded, I didn’t get a chance to see who did it.”
The alleged hip-touching body mover reportedly did not discriminate between male and female patrons when making his way through the crowd.
“The last band was wrapping up pretty late. I was going to leave, but then I looked down and saw two hands just barely touching my waist. They moved my entire body to the left like a tractor beam,” said fellow showgoer Brad Lee, still standing in the exact spot to which he was moved. “The hands were strong, yet delicate… and as the person passed, I caught a whiff of stale cigarettes, but I never saw their face.”
Scene historian Dave Goldfables noted the tri-state area has had a serial crowd member mover dating over 25 years.
“There was an incident — I think it was 1990 — at The Chance in Poughkeepsie during a Fugazi show, where, like, 40 people in 10 minutes were reportedly parted aside in a similar matter,” said Goldfables. “Ian Mackaye told me personally that he couldn’t see the face of the person doing it, but noted several crowd members suddenly changing their position ever so slightly.”
Witnesses say the perpetrator is anywhere from 25-40 years old, of average height and weight, with brown hair and no identifiable marks or tattoos on their hands or forearms. Nobody is sure when they might strike again.
“Look, I don’t really care,” said Patel. “I just want to have a chance to tell the guy to fuck off. Feel free to ask me to move, but absolutely do not fucking touch me.”
Anyone who has further information on the serial hip toucher should contact venue bouncers so they can properly kick the perp’s ass.