WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump once again stoked fear yesterday by warning U.S. citizens that “Antifa terrorists will hide voter fraud in your children’s Halloween candy” before the election.
“These liberal Antifa mobs have been collecting unsolicited mail-in ballots and stashing them in candy — it’s why all the best candy is laced with voter fraud. Well, the best candy is actually Trump brand chocolate, but most people can’t afford it. It’s so luxurious, those Antifa thugs wouldn’t even know what to do with a Trump chocolate bar. It’s too patriotic for them,” rambled President Trump. “Antifa hates candy — they can’t throw it at police like they can throw cans of soup. If you throw candy, it’s a parade, and they don’t want to throw a parade for law and order.”
“I like parades,” the President added, “especially parades for heroes like our men in the military and myself. But not for astronauts. NASA is a waste of money. I’d know, I’ve seen the books.”
Pundits from the right wing media were quick to reinforce the President’s comments.
“Liberals can’t hold themselves back from destroying every sacred tradition our country was founded on,” said correspondent Tucker Carlson. “First it’s their war on Christmas, then their war on Columbus Day… and now these mindless tools of the leftist elite want to ruin our sacred, Christian Halloween. I’m not hearing anyone say ‘Happy Halloween’ anymore — they’re only saying, ‘Are you registered to vote?’ I always tell them no, and then I sign up as a dead person, and as soon as they accept that registration, I know that they are agents of chaos.”
For their part, left-wing media voices brought up statistics to point out the flaws in Trump’s logic.
“Research shows voter fraud is virtually nonexistent and has only been linked to a few low level Republican schemes,” said MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow. “Studies have shown there’s a better chance of finding a tampered peanut butter cup than a tampered ballot. What we should be concerned about is the gerrymandering that results in neighborhoods subverting innocent trick-or-treaters by handing out far-right propaganda pamphlets and popcorn balls instead of pre-wrapped Hershey bars and Skittles. Children shouldn’t be spending the evening picking popcorn bits out of their teeth and learning anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.”
In related news, groups of Proud Boys were attempting to “defeat Antifa at their own game” by dressing up as scarecrows to try to scare voters away from polling locations.