LONG BRANCH, N.J. — President Trump ordered a federal raid of the dreams and visions of Wendy, the female character from “Born to Run,” in an act of retribution against Bruce Springsteen for his anti-Trump tirade at a U.K. show going viral, sources confirmed.
“Springsteen stepped out over the line, and it’s time to show him who the real boss is! He’s washed up anyway, lots of people say I’m a better songwriter. People have been saying that for a long time. Plus, New Jersey smells bad, a real shit hole,” said an unhinged Trump defending the raid this morning. “An attack on me is an attack on this country. Anyone caught sweating it out on the streets of a runaway American dream will be detained, questioned, and prosecuted to the full extent of the law! I heard this Wendy is a real Tramp, Bruce even says so. I bet she’s been around the block more than a few times. You know what I call that? I call that damaged goods. She can wrap her legs ‘round his velvet rims and strap her arms ‘round his engine all she wants, we will find her!”
Wendy expressed both outrage and confusion at the government’s attempts to access her dreams and visions.
“First a bunch of masked goons storm into my house and turn the place out, then they tell me they have a warrant to raid my dreams and visions, but it looked like they had just scribbled on the back of a Jersey Mike’s wrapper,” said Wendy. “They didn’t seem to know what they were doing and certainly didn’t know how to get access to my dreams. At one point they plugged a vacuum cleaner into an iPad and sort of just sucked my ear with it for a while, I’m not sure what they were expecting to happen but they looked disappointed so they just smashed some more of my shit and left.”
The raid efforts have only provoked further criticism from Springsteen.
“This is happening now. Federal agents are storming bold and stark amusement parks, sending hemi-powered drones from beyond the palace, huddling U.S.-born children up on the beach in the mist, all for speaking dissent. This is happening in America right now!” said Springsteen. “I was born down in a dead man’s town, and right now we all feel like dogs that have been beat too much. But we can come together and beat this. You can’t start a fire without a spark.”
According to FBI director Kash Patel, raid efforts have been hampered due to highways being jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.