WASHINGTON — A new poll conducted by AIPAC found the top candidates for the 2028 presidential nomination are down to Pennsylvania politicians John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, confirmed sources.
“I’d call the entire situation an embarrassment,” said AIPAC spokeswoman Herzliya-Hadasha. “An embarrassment of riches! But seriously, folks. On one hand you’ve got the kind of slide-rule in a suit policy wonk that makes the average blue dog’s calves cramp. That’ll play well with the suburban soccer grandmoms. And on the other, an alpha male, whose appearance makes you wonder if you accidentally switched from CSPAN to WWE RAW. Either would be a fantastic choice. Provided neither end up appearing on the Epstein list. Which is totally not a thing, by the way. And I’m not sure why people are even talking about it.”
Fetterman seemed ready to do whatever it takes to fight for Israel.
“I’m a progressive who gets things done,” said Fetterman, dressed like he just came off his shift at Auto Zone and debuting his soon-to-be iconic “Make Jordan Israel Again” ball cap. “And those things include codification of trans rights here in Pennsylvania, making sure access to abortion will always be available in the commonwealth, sensible steps towards the legalization of recreational marijuana, and an unwavering commitment to supporting Israel’s right to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, to whomever it wants––be it Hamas resistance fighters, innocent civilians, aid workers, hospitals, refugee camps, the Freedom Flotilla, that annoying Swedish chick, or children…countless, countless children. And to do it with zero consequences, sanctions, boycotts, criticism, or anything else.”
Meanwhile, Shapiro, often viewed as the more practically minded of the two, has taken what many are calling a more nuanced approach.
“We can all agree that only a person with a heart of stone would turn a blind eye to the images we are all now forced to confront of the brutal subjugation and now literal starvation of the population of Gaza,” said the Governor. “And this is why we need to stop fighting each other, reach across the aisle, and do whatever it takes to fight the real enemies: Campus protestors. We need to adopt an appropriate battle-minded outlook. And we can do this by ensuring that our students feel safe from the threat of free speech on campus. By answering every question with ‘but do you condemn Hamas?’ And, most importantly, by stopping Zohran Mamdani from becoming the next mayor of New York City.”
When prompted about a potential “one state solution,” both candidates full-throatedly voiced their support for a land where everyone, whether they drink pop or soda, say youse or yinz, or get their hoagies at Sheetz or Wawa, can live together in peace and harmony.