EUGENE, Ore. — Tattoo artist Joe Brennan reportedly began to suspect his longtime client was just coming in to get his back shaved after the man left repeated sessions early, sources confirmed.
“I’ve been working on Tom’s back piece for the last three years, but I’m beginning to think he’s just in it for the pre-tattoo shave—he even started bringing in his own lavender-scented sensitive skin shaving cream,” said Brennan, wiping up a tumbleweed of back hair from the shop floor. “It takes like an hour to hack through the fucking rainforest on his back, and then he bails after five minutes of tattooing. He’s paying my hourly rate so it’s not a total loss, but I just hope this isn’t some weird fetish thing.”
Tom Papadopoulos denied any wrongdoing, arguing that he simply liked to take his time completing his back piece.
“I have no idea what Joe is talking about, I just prefer to book my back piece appointments in five-minute sessions once a month, or sometimes twice if I have a really big Hinge date,” said Papadopoulos, applying aftershave to his back. “That green soap they always use irritates my skin, so I prefer to pamper myself with something a little more delicate. Besides, it’s not my fault that the only thing my deadbeat Dad left me was a hereditary shag carpet on my back that I can’t reach by myself.”
As word spread around town, fellow tattoo artist Bucky Clarke reported that his suspicions about his former client were finally confirmed.
“Wait a minute—that hairy guy that brings his own lotions and balms, comes in for five minute sessions, always asks if he can light a candle? That’s the guy that tried to get me to shave his ass!” shouted Clarke, recoiling from the memory. “I was doing a big piece on the back of his legs and he kept asking if I could shave a little higher. I must have shaved ten acres of brush before I finally caught on and kicked him out.”
At press time, Papadopoulos’ chiropractor was starting to suspect that he was only coming in for the free hugs.