SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle will have no effect on their ability to be completely miserable at their upcoming prom, confirmed sources.
“I don’t need society’s poisons to dress up, have a terrible time at an overpriced event hall, and follow it up with immensely mediocre sex that will be both a reality-shattering disappointment and also shape every kink and fetish of mine til I die. I can do that all on my own,” said 18-year-old Josh Michaels. “My friends look out for me like family. Our minds and bodies are free of that shit. I wanna be stone sober when I listen to some DJ in his 40s, who openly hits on the girls in my class, play the worst semi-popular songs from two decades ago, while also trying to sneak in stuff from his mixtape. Just like the X on the back of my hand, I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna sit through his whole terrible set.”
Prom king and stereotypically handsome quarterback Todd Bretson found their aversion to substances off-putting.
“They’re such nerds,” said Bretson. “The whole point of prom is to get ripped and make terrible decisions. How else are they gonna set into motion events that have severe repercussions well beyond middle-age, negatively affecting their ability to have both healthy adult friendships and sexual relationships until they inevitably take their regret and sadness out on their own underachieving kids, if they aren’t completely shit-housed? Fucking dorks.”
While the majority of their classmates may find the straight edge movement strange, members of the faculty have been very supportive of those students who wish to have an awful experience at prom while sober.
“It’s refreshing to see that some high schoolers fully reject the pull of drugs and alcohol, while also freely admitting that prom is gonna be just awful. It’s very brave of them,” said calculus teacher and prom chaperone Madeline Felton. “I mean, I won’t be sober. How could I be? You think prom is bad as a teenager, try being an adult. I’m watching these kids attempt to convince themselves they are having a good time, when we all know the world is fucked and the planet will only be livable for another 25 years, tops. Am I really supposed to do that without the help of the Captain? I don’t think so. Between you and me, I’m usually a little buzzed while teaching class anyway.”
At press time, Michaels was overheard saying he didn’t need drugs to go into life-ruining debt from student loans.