NEW YORK — Anthony Constantino, the co-founder of popular custom sticker maker Sticker Mule, sent a rambling email to all his customers about his bizarre sexual fantasies about former President Trump, weirded-out sources confirmed.
“I want to be transparent with all our customers. That’s why I sent the first email encouraging customers that I support Trump, but that they can also support Biden if they want. However, I realized that wasn’t enough. I needed to let the world know that I often wake up with an erection so hard I think my penis is going to explode all because I had the recurring dream where President Trump sits on my face and calls me a slimeball,” said Constantino. “The kink shaming needs to stop. And I’m hoping my emails help. For this week only you can get a shirt for $4, which is normally $19 because I need to buy some new sheets. I’ve caked my current sheets in cum to the point it feels like I’m sleeping on concrete.”
Former Sticker Mule customer Ashley Clay says she was disgusted by both emails.
“The first email was upsetting, I honestly don’t need to know your politics. Just shut up about it and we are fine, but the second email was over the line. It went on and on about how he didn’t realize how vivid a smell could be in a dream, and then described what his brain thinks a nude, sweaty Trump smells like,” said Clay. “And the drawings, I really wish he didn’t include those sketches of Trump using him as a toilet. I might have to see a hypnotist to try to repress that image because I haven’t been able to eat.”
Ron Rudkin, owner of rival sticker company Graphic Goons, was elated to see the emails from Sticker Mule.
“Best thing that’s ever happened to me. My business has skyrocketed in the past few hours. So far it’s been a lot of punk bands with sticker ideas that would make my mother roll over in her grave, but a sale is a sale,” said Rudkin. “Honestly, I hope the kid sends a third email. Maybe something about how he thinks women’s sports are a waste of time for everyone. Or an email where he talks about how he recently read ‘Mein Kampf’ and he now believes Hitler was a misunderstood artist. If he does that then all my kids are going to private school.”
At press time, Constantino admitted to having a sexual dream about Elon Musk and hopes this doesn’t affect his relationship with former President Trump.