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Stewart Rhodes Pretty Confident About Which Prison Gang He’ll Join

WASHINGTON — Recently sentenced seditionist Stewart Rhodes told friends and family that he has a pretty good idea about which gang he intends to join once imprisoned for nearly two decades, sources close to the matter confirmed.

“I don’t want to tip his hand too much, but not too many people are going to be surprised,” said a confidant after being asked if Rhodes was planning on joining the Aryan Brotherhood. “The rest of the Oath Keepers are certainly no strangers to violently racist prison gangs, so he won’t have to walk this path alone. There will be plenty of familiar faces there to show him the way. It’s actually kind of heartwarming.”

Edwin Nelson, a convicted felon who has spent over a decade behind bars, said that Rhodes’s choice might not be as obvious as most would think.

“If he’s saying he knows for sure where he’s joining up, that tells me he doesn’t really understand what he’s getting into,” said Nelson, who was unable to satisfactorily account for his own whereabouts on January 6th. “Sure, he’s gonna get with the white supremacists, but that doesn’t narrow it down as much as you might think. There’s more than one gang, and they all have their own priorities. Does he want to focus his hate on people of color? Jewish people? The New World Order? There’s a lot of thinking that goes into that decision. You don’t just decide the minute you get your sentence. Fucking amateur.”

Despite Rhodes’s rumored confidence regarding his choice, representatives from other more diverse gangs said that they hoped he would reconsider.

“I’m just saying that he might not want to be too hasty,” said Joe Rodriguez, a prominent member of a primarily Hispanic gang with a strong anti-government agenda. “Stewart might not realize that there are other doors open to him. He’s previously claimed to have Native ancestry. That would be enough for us, especially with the street cred he brings, so, of course, we’re courting him. The guy planned the most successful insurrection attempt in United States history! That would be a huge get for us.”

At press time, photographs purportedly showing Rhodes with a fresh tattoo indicating his affiliation with the Aryan Brotherhood were found to have been taken in 2012.