WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans for Stephen Miller to receive a Christmas bonus of $1488, confirmed sources.
“They say there’s a nice list and a naughty list and while many of the radical left Democrats are naughty, Stephen has always been the nice to me and that’s what matters. Can you believe that? He’s been a very good boy, and no one knows boys like me,” said the President. “Stephen won’t stop talking about something called a negative canthal tilt and predator eyes, but it’s better than anything JD has ever said to me so we’re gonna give him some money. Earlier this year, we gave Stephen a bonus check of $420 because that’s Hitler’s birthday, and no one talks about Adolph more than that man.”
Upon hearing of the bonus, Miller demanded that it be directly allocated from the stolen assets of the people who have been deported without due process.
“Trump told me this was a ‘loyalty dividend’ and that I shouldn’t spend it all in one Hobby Lobby,” said Miller while practicing his signature frown in the mirror. “I can’t wait to tell the boys on 4Chan about this. I get all my political strategy ideas from there. Trump is receptive to all of them, even if he doesn’t understand the accompanying memes I send along.”
In related news, White House spokesperson Gunther Porkins announced today that the President was also in talks with Gene Simmons to grant $666 checks to all members of the KISS army.
