WASHINGTON — Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller admitted that he’s just building Aryan Nation credibility for his inevitable imprisonment, confirmed sources.
“When I started losing my hair the first time Elon Musk fucked my wife ten years ago or so, I realized that I was a perfect Aryan specimen,” expressed Miller as he rubbed baby oil on his perfectly shiny dome. “Since that day, I’ve dedicated my life to building credibility with the Aryan Brotherhood for if, sorry when, I go to prison for my heinous crimes. The racism, the dog whistles, the Christo-Fascism is all in hopes of getting protection by taller, balder, stronger white men than me. If they don’t have my back, the Latin Kings are going to shank me in the shower ‘cause I have it coming. Maybe I can trade Steve Bannon for a few ramen packets.”
Although Miller was confident in his assessment of esteem among the Aryans, the neo-Nazis themselves were not so sure.
“We don’t want that pencil-necked geek,” explained Aryan Nation captain Vern Schillinger. “We want strong, Aryan soldiers. Not some nerd who can read. He doesn’t even have a swastika tattooed on his forehead, even though he would definitely get away with it if he did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of all of the racial hatred he’s spread across America. That’s all great. But we have standards. Plus, there’s just something about his face, he looks like such a fucking loser. Like someone just farted next to him, at all times. I don’t know. Maybe when he says the Fourteen Words on television we will claim him, but until then, I don’t think so.”
Prison experts are already theorizing about how Miller will fare in prison.
“Well everyone is going to beat the shit out of him, that’s for sure,” said penology and gang expert Dr. Wanda Goode. “I think MS-13 is going to get the first crack at him. They’re pretty mad that he calls every immigrant part of MS-13, it’s really watering down their brand. Next, I’d say the Black Guerilla Family will probably snap his twig legs and kick him in the stomach. Finally, the Aryans might finally Google him and realize that he’s Jewish, then they’ll really let him have it.”
At press time, Miller was watching “Let’s Go To Prison” on repeat before switching to the Rob Schneider classic “Big Stan.”
