HAWTHORNE, Calif. — A mechanical engineer at SpaceX spontaneously exploded while quietly working on a CAD drawing, according to blood-spattered sources.
“The noise and spray of blood startled me a bit, but you get used to things blowing up when you’ve been here long enough,” said coworker Eileen Fletcher over several loud bangs in the background. “When I first started, my colleagues warned me that things around SpaceX have a tendency to just blow apart. Sure enough, in the first week, my stapler exploded. Then the coffee maker in our break room blew up. And then there are the rockets, of course—everyone’s used to seeing those go up in flames. This was the first time I’ve seen an actual person explode, but I guess it’s just par for the course around here. Now I barely even flinch.”
SpaceX custodian engineer Hal Roder said that all the detritus from explosions translates to job security for him.
“A lot of tech people are worried about being laid off,” said Roder as he wiped mayonnaise from the cafeteria ceiling. “But I’m not concerned one bit. All the wreckage that needs clearing up around here makes me one of the most valuable employees. In fact, they let me hire a few more janitors to expand my team. We’re working overtime trying to keep up with all the broken glass, charred furniture and even splattered biological matter here at SpaceX. And I’m not worried about AI taking my job. Until a robot is able to clean human giblets out of a server rack, my job is safe.”
Most businesses with a chronic explosion problem would not survive, but somehow SpaceX manages to prosper.
“The secret to SpaceX’s success in the face of failure is their many lucrative government contracts,” explained business consultant Gary Hogg. “Name me one other successful company whose products consistently self-immolate. Go ahead, I’ll wait. That’s right, other companies would fold if they were plagued by frequent explosions. But despite it all, SpaceX continues to grow. Meanwhile, NASA is hauled before congress when one of their shuttles blows up every few decades. It just goes to show how far some smooth-talking bullshitters and backroom deals can get you.”
At press time, SpaceX’s custodial division was observed cleaning up the aftermath of the latest rocket explosion with a massive hydraulic broom and dustpan.