LOS ANGELES — Emergency crews were dispatched to the newly opened Tesla Diner after six patrons were left with life-threatening injuries as a result of one of the restaurant’s tuna melt sandwiches blowing up, witnesses have confirmed.
“It was actually a pretty smooth meal until I got to the third bite. That’s when the damn thing started smoking and then exploded searing tuna and cheese all over the place! Considering the bread can only be put out with a chemical extinguisher, I was able to walk away with only half my face burnt off. I’m a little disappointed considering it was a two month wait to get a table,” said victim Troy Williams. “Still, I have to trust Elon knows best and he’ll figure out why the tuna was sourced from an exploding fish hatchery. I’m hoping he sees my post on X and can cover my hospital stay, or at least reimburse my dinner.”
Tesla Diner’s general manager was adamant the accident was purely user error.
“While I sympathize with Mr. Williams and the family next to him who are in the ICU, upon our own internal investigation it was clear that the sandwich was being improperly consumed. He had activated ‘hands free mode’ by setting the tuna melt back onto the plate, on top of it being in direct sunlight causing it to overheat,” said Devin McCalister. “I have already compensated everyone within the blast radius with a free small coffee, and we have updated our T&S to remind patrons that saliva will compromise the structural integrity of the food.”
The L.A. health inspector noted that it was only a matter of time before tragedy struck.
“I have been here nine times to address multiple complaints, and every time I just get more excuses. Not only is their tuna inflammable, the grilled cheese gets stuck in people’s throats, the buns on the chicken sandwich don’t align, and the pecan pie has broken teeth in half in addition to being dry,” said Veronica Sutton. “Every time I try to cite this place I get doxxed and death threats from the staff. Mark my words, it’s only a matter of time before someone loses their tongue getting it stuck in a smash burger.”
As of press time, Tesla has pushed out an update to the sandwich’s safety features, but only if the diners have Neuralink installed.