JUPITER, Fla. — Local woman Kim Vandiver’s search history is cluttered for the fourth day in a row with Buzzfeed quizzes and Craigslist apartments she cannot afford, according to researchers who dubbed the finding “disturbing, but not surprising.”
“As the internet expands, it also seems to somehow shrink,” said search historian Gregory Greer. “People are overwhelmed by too many options, and tend to err on the side of familiarity — which explains why so many mysterious facial moles are researched monthly for their severity.”
“Think of it in the same way your mom still wants to eat at Panera Bread on her vacation to Italy,” agreed lead statistician Marielle Dubois. “Those who don’t remember their search history are, sadly, doomed to repeat it.”
Researchers hope to better understand why, instead of using unlimited, high-speed internet access to learn a new skill or take an online course, people are increasingly using the collective knowledge infrastructure to find out which “Rick and Morty” character they are based on their zodiac sign.
“It’s almost like I black out,” admitted Vandiver, a college sophomore and chronic searcher. “Yesterday, I logged on with the sole intention of looking up my schedule for next semester… and all of a sudden, I hear a familiar, mocking voice say, ‘Hey, baby — are you really watching porn all alone?’ and poof, my pants were off. I still have no idea what my fall schedule looks like.”
Thus far, the team has merely confirmed that change is expected only after hitting rock bottom — which can mean anything from realizing one knows all the words to a certain episode of The Office, to picking a fight in the comments section of an Alanis Morissette song.
“I just don’t see it as a problem,” said Etsy blogger and stay-at-home dog mom Judith Mendoza. “Me and my fiancé have been talking about going on a trip to Thailand for just over six years now, so it really is imperative I compulsively check Airbnb availabilities and stockpile bathing suits in a cart on Amazon.”
At press time, Greer was attempting to open Instagram on his phone, only to realize he’d already scrolled the app for 13 minutes.