DALLAS — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control raised warning flags about a new strain of Hulkamania found in livestock that, if left untreated, could spread and cause an epidemic of unbridled pride in America, sources confirmed.
“This particular strain of Hulkamania seems to really affect the brain’s ability to function properly. We’ve had multiple farmers report that their cattle have had discolored secretions, loose stool, but the easiest symptom to identify is all the animals with the disease stare at the closest American flag while stomping their feet in unison,” said lead scientist Dr. Shelby Lee. “We are worried this could spread to human populations. Hulkamania was very prevalent in children in the 1980s, but the worst side effect was that people reported being nostalgic for watching wrestling with their dad. If this strain of Hulkamania spreads today we could see seemingly normal people declaring their love for Trump and tearing their shirts off to protest DEI measures.”
Cattle farmer Dale “Dutch” Savoy is very worried about the latest outbreak.
“Yep, my buddy over in Plano runs a farm and he says all his cows went bald right on the top of their head. It ain’t pretty what happens to these cows. Their muscles grow out of control, their skin turns a weird hot dog color, and I swear to you I’ve heard some of them say the N-word, yep,” said Savoy. “We had a pretty bad case of Hulkamania in the early 2000s. The pigs on the farm started growing dark black mustaches and acting real nasty towards authority. Not sure what that was all about, but I don’t want to go back to them times, yep.”
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says the general public has nothing to worry about.
“Transmission of Hulkamania from animals to humans is very rare and there are easy ways to prevent it. All you need to do is pull a stone off of the bottom of a lake and keep it in your mouth for five to six hours while sitting in direct sunlight, the disease can’t survive in those conditions,” said Kennedy while scraping an armadillo off the side of Interstate 45. “If that doesn’t work then all you need to do is put two pints of your blood into a bowl, mix it with yeast, bake it for 45 minutes at 350 degrees, then consume the sludge. You will be healthy as a horse.”
At press time, scientists worried the outbreak was spreading faster than anticipated after a herd of horny cows were seen outside Bubba the Love Sponge’s house.