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For Sale: Podcast Equipment, Never Used

LOS ANGELES — An online advertisement for unused audio recording equipment sparked despair this week as readers came to the realization that the USB microphone and accessories were intended for a podcast idea that had died far too young.

“I know it’s only six words, but they tell such a heartbreaking, full story of a podcast that will never be,” said retiree Lynn Huels, who spends each morning scouring the web for sales deals. “I can’t even imagine what it must be like for the couple who were planning on starting it.”

The two hopeful podcasters and best friends, 25-year-olds Ray Goodall and Charlie O’Malley, were college roommates four years ago at California State University and now work together at a local Best Buy.

“I’m just so depressed I’ll never get to see our little podcast grow,” said O’Malley, who had taken off his American flag tank top as a sign of mourning. “We were gonna do reviews of TV shows like Westworld, or The Walking Dead. I know there’s, like, a million of those out there, but ours was gonna cover cool theories and have more of a comedic take.”

“People who have never started a podcast just don’t know what it’s like,” said Goodall, dabbing at the tears on his face with a scrunched up beanie. “You start planning its whole life, you know? You buy all the equipment. You think about the fans and followers. You imagine all the catchphrases you’re gonna have. I know we didn’t actually start recording yet, but I had already created a subreddit for fans to discuss new episodes.”


Art historians report Sudden Podcast Death Syndrome (SPDS) is a very serious issue amongst young artists. “Approximately one in four podcast ideas suddenly die before ever getting a theme song,” said expert Laura Davis. “We still don’t know the exact cause of SPDS, but we know it has something to do with groups of young, bored men who feel the need to have their voice heard, but have absolutely nothing of note to say.”

At press time, the equipment had been purchased by Gregg Haas and Phil Siegel, two young men who reportedly have “like, 50 podcast ideas all ready to go viral.”