OGDEN, Utah — A local mom offered her daughter some unsolicited advice this weekend, suggesting she might feel more confident about her body if she put down the fork and lost a few pounds, sources close to the family confirmed.
“I think my daughter is beautiful just the way she is,” said concerned mother Dorothy Bell. “But I think she would be even more beautiful if she cut out carbs and lost some weight around her midsection and thighs. Now that I think about it, her arms look a little meaty, too, and her face looks fuller than it did as a teenager. I even offered to pay for excessive skin removal surgery if she lost weight. It doesn’t get more supportive than that.”
Mrs. Bell worries that her daughter’s weight gain and her reluctance to apply full-face makeup before going to the grocery store will hinder her chances of finding a spouse, noting that if she doesn’t find a husband, who will she fantasize about murdering all day?
“My mom comes from a different generation,” said daughter Lindsey Bell. “She insists she’s just worried about my health, but she also insisted I try the ‘Judy Garland Diet’ where you eat nothing but vodka, Adderall, and breath mints for a week. I shouldn’t have expressed my desire to get in shape in front of her. Now she uses every opportunity she can to bring out my old baby pictures and remind me I used to be six pounds.”
According to a dietitian’s standard, the 28-year-old daughter’s BMI is perfectly healthy for someone of her height and lifestyle, but her mom feels her daughter is just ten pounds away from “looking like Ariana Grande.”
“A healthy BMI means nothing to your mom if you don’t look good in a tube top,” said Jason Gates, head nutritionist at Zenith Wellness Center. “A healthy diet, moderate exercise, and a positive self-image can help you live a long and fulfilling life, but it does little to help your parents live vicariously through you. You thought your bodily autonomy began when your umbilical cord was snipped off, but you were wrong. Dieticians and nutritionists alike recommend you lean into the freedom that accompanies knowing you will never be enough for your parents.”
At press time, Mrs. Bell was seen suggesting that her daughter substitute the bread on her sandwich with two pieces of iceberg lettuce.