WARRENTON, Va. – A disappointing 72% of basement areas set up as “jamming spaces” in U.S. homes go un-jammed in every year, according to a shocking report from the Center for Residential Jamming Studies (CRJS).
“Even the best-insulated, well-stocked jamming spaces across the country become tragically dank and dusty,” stated Ginny Edwards, lead analyst at CRJS. “Amateur musicians who claim they invite their buddies over every Thursday night to drink beer and casually play their instruments are, by and large, total liars. We found that ‘jamming spaces’ shared with laundry rooms fared even worse, with 85% hardly ever utilized for their stated purpose. Guitars and drum sets turn into nothing more than expensive clothes drying racks.”
Embarrassed residents who reluctantly guided reporters into their homes’ basements confirmed the lack of casual musicianship.
“I guess I could take down the egg crate foam from the walls at this point,” admitted Alberto Morley, a 32-year-old IT professional and member of inactive local punk band Serpentine Shellac. “But when my little cousin came over last summer for a birthday party, she made me do all the funny sound effects on the keyboard, so there we go,” he added, shoving aside a stack of plastic tubs labeled “XMas Decorations: FRAGILE” to access his keyboard and a long-abandoned bass guitar. “And sometimes our cat Hazelnut chews the amp cord after she jumps out of her litter box right there. Oh yeah, it’s really shredded up now. Looks like its been used for real.”
Seasoned local real estate agent Donna-Lynn Quadrotto said the CRJS’ troubling report will not change her approach when showing homes.
“This is nothing new,” Quadrotto explained. “People get excited when they tour a place and see basically any empty and reasonably dry basement area that has a floor and walls. It’s the same as when they say they’ll finally ‘have the space’ to do their ‘Yoga With Adriene’ videos every day or build a wood workshop or whatever. Yeah, sure. No amount of bad press can dampen the irresistible call of a room for hobbies. So any time I have a client who mentions music or ‘the guys,’ I get that basement ready. make sure to throw down a cheap rug, sprinkle a few drops of whiskey on it for atmosphere and to cover up any mold smell, and borrow a few guitars for staging. They eat it up every time.”
At press time, CRJS reported that jamming spaces thrive in small illegal studio apartments, where they conveniently double as eating, sleeping, and drug consumption spaces.