PORTLAND, Ore. — Local record store Death and Waxes added “staff pick” signs at certain urinals in their restroom to let customers know which ones are preferred among employees, sources who honestly couldn’t tell the difference between any of them confirmed.
“Everything in this place has to be curated, including our own employees,” said shop owner Benjamin Huxton. “All staff picks vary from your average pisser to a sleek, 2023 reissue of the classic Sloan waterless urinal. Each one comes with a color-splashed urinal cake, some of which are rare versions that only sold in Japan. So far, they’re a hit among our customers and I would know as someone who waits in the restroom for hours at a time to see which urinal patrons select. Happy to report that almost 30% of the people use the staff pick ones. Huge success.”
Employees of the store were eager to share the reasoning behind their picks.
“This German-imported toilet influenced every mainstream toilet from the ‘80s,” said employee Greer Jones, motioning to a crank-operated, graffit-covered urinal. “It’s a lo-fi urinal and most amateur bathroom-goers believe it sounds like garbage, but that’s the charm of it. Every urinal in existence owes their success to this pit of piss, whether they know it or not. Plus, my urinal of choice sounds better live.”
Joey Pepperstein, a frequent customer, weighed in on the new selection of toilets.
“I generally ignore anything with a ‘staff pick’ sign on it, but I had to go really bad and all the other urinals were taken,” scowled Pepperstein while pretending to wash his hands. “Some of the staff pick urinals came with a little explanation. According to the staff, my urinal had the best water flow and least splashback. I don’t even know what that means. I’m just glad I didn’t need to ask an employee for a code just to use the restroom. Starbucks, take note.”
At press time, Death and Waxes revealed they were hiring freelance Pitchfork editors to write full reviews of each toilet and urinal in the establishment.