DALLAS — Patients at Dallas General Hospital learned yesterday that Dr. Graham Alder, one of the facility’s most trusted surgeons, is actually a “total pussy” and wore a mask during routine surgeries he led all last week.
“All sorts of people are giving me a hard time because of the mask. I’ve been a doctor for 17 years — I’ve always worn a mask when I do surgeries,” said the local surgeon and unpatriotic wimp. “I wear a mask to maintain a sterile field on the operating table and ensure the patient remains free from infection. I’m not trying to make a statement here. Jesus. Why is everyone so goddamn stupid? Fuck me.”
One patient, about to undergo a lengthy spinal fusion operation, was particularly unimpressed.
“You place so much trust in your doctor, and right before you go under the knife, you discover that your life is in the hands of some mask-wearing Democrat sissy?” lamented the injured and self-described “conservative lib-slayer patriot” Trent Freeman. “I’m outta here. Had I known Dr. Alder was part of the brainwashed lamestream media sheeple herd, I never would’ve stepped into his office — he hates freedom, and therefore America. I don’t need this surgery anyway. I was doing just fine on disability, taking Percocet and drinking Wild Turkey.”
Local scientist and mask enthusiast Hans von Helmholtz noted that, while facial coverings work and data proves it, there is still resistance to wearing them thanks to America’s “macho” attitude.
“Our most recent samples show a lot of people think they are immune to contracting deadly diseases if they constantly say they aren’t afraid of it,” lamented von Helmholtz. “Masks had a very good reputation until now, ranging in use from underwater snorkeling excursions to invitation-only sex soirees. But when it comes to public health and sanitation, masks only further the stereotype that we in the scientific community are a bunch of yellow-bellied, limpdick cream puffs. I don’t know about you, but my ego can’t take that sort of sophomoric slander.”
Dr. Alder was last seen in his car, predictably clicking his seatbelt in place like some panicky chicken-shit loser.