DETROIT — A group of squatting punks became unwitting participants in the eternal struggle of man-versus-nature last week, as each side fought to reclaim an abandoned auto parts factory, city officials confirmed.
“The place seemed perfect: it’s got plenty of space for a bunch of us to live and explore our various creative projects, and maybe we could host shows on the factory floor. Sure, we knew we’d have to clean up some, but we never expected nature to keep springing back like a goddamn Hydra,” said squatter Reynold Page. “Seriously, were all these vines here in the silkscreen room yesterday, or did it just turn into a freaking Rainforest Café overnight?”
Fellow punk Liddy Polly shared Page’s frustration, lamenting the resiliency of Mother Nature.
“It’s less of a peaceful cohabitation with nature, and more of a Kevin McCallister vs. the Wet Bandits kind of thing,” said Polly. “We’ve fallen through floors, bricks dropped on us… it’s like the vegetation has booby-trapped the place. I woke up one night completely tied up by vines. There was an empty whiskey bottle nearby, and my boots were untied, but I believe those things are unrelated.”
The battle against nature has been so intense for punk Bridgid Bibiana that her personal ethos has been irrevocably transformed.
“It’s tough to be an environmentalist after you learn the hard way what leaves are not safe to use as toilet paper,” said Bibiana. “The only thing I believe now is Goddess Gaia can eat a dick. Climate change can’t come soon enough.”
On the other hand, city worker Wahid Ulises is frustrated by both the trespassers and local flora.
“As if it wasn’t bad enough with these assholes inside, we’ve got bands constantly doing photoshoots outside the building,” said Ulises. “Back in the day, we used to just take care of squatters and nature the same way: a fuck load of pesticides. But there’s laws now, or whatever. So I’m armed with a spray bottle full of dish soap and vinegar, hoping maybe I can make a small dent in the problem.”
At press time, the punks had built up an arsenal of three dozen aerosol cans, four gas-powered lawn mowers, and a bunch of styrofoam cups to mount a ‘final stand’ against the vile scourge that is Mother Nature.