TRENTON, N.J. — A routine court proceeding was unexpectedly disrupted this week when Nicky “Needles” St. James only stated “not guilty” from the jury selection pool in response to simple questioning, court employees confirmed.
“Oh, yeah — that guy seemed really jumpy,” noted Mercer County prosecutor Angela Bell. “I was posing basic jury candidate questions, like, ‘What is your occupation?’ and ‘Do you believe you could be impartial as a juror?’ To all of which, though, he repeatedly stated, ‘Not guilty,’ and ‘I want a lawyer.’ Needless to say, I was confused and a little suspicious of the mohawked individual.”
One of St. James’ fellow jury candidates, Colin Elliot, attempted to explain the bizarre experience.
“Unfortunately, I had to sit next to the guy during the whole thing. He smelled like cigarettes and dirty gym socks,” recalled Elliot. “He kept assuring me that he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t belong there. At one point, he claimed ‘his dad was going to kill him.’ I didn’t take the time to explain the situation to him… mainly out of morbid curiosity of what he would do next.”
During a lunch break in the selection process, St. James was made available for comment.
“You’re not a narc, are you?” questioned St. James nervously. “Look, man… I got this letter in the mail to show up to court, even though I’m not guilty of anything. And when I show up, they start asking me questions about my name and job — both of which I’m not guilty of. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks they saw; it’s like I’m being interrogated for no good reason. Like, who are they to judge me? Not guilty!”
Following proceedings, the judge ordered the bailiff to search St. James, after his outlandish performance lead the judge to believe St. James had something to hide. However, nothing was recovered from the man — except for some band patches, three cashews, and a dusty copy of the classic punk zine, Profane Existence.