SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Intensive care nurse Harper Schlader was reportedly asking any of her patients currently in the ICU if they wanted to play a game called Slap the IV Bag, reported several witnesses to his erratic behavior.
“What the fuck is up, intensive care unit!” screamed Schlader into a microphone and amp that she brought to the unit. “We’ve got morphine drips for all of you so who’s ready to get this shit pumping fast and play Slap the IV Bag? If that doesn’t sound fun, I’m sure we can get a game of Morphine Pong going. Maybe we can also suck on a couple of alcohol swabs to really get our buzz going. I see you over there, Mr. Johnson, asking to play!”
The patients in this particular ICU were feeling pretty good after participating in Schlader’s shenanigans.
“I have never felt better in a hospital setting until playing Slap the IV Bag,” said patient Karen Conner post-appendectomy. “I mean, I felt good until I got really sleepy and then suddenly was wide awake again after they administered the Narcan. But that was that asshole doctor giving me the Narcan and it gave me a serious hangover. Though I guess it was the equivalent to puking and rallying because I did get more morphine afterwards, though disappointingly it was just a normal drip again.”
Lame doctors at the hospital quickly put a stop to Schlader’s activities in the hospital.
“We did some digging and it turns out that the ‘Misfits School of Nursing’ is not real and there is no professor Danzig,” stated ICU physician William Fraseur. “I suppose we should’ve been tipped off to Harper’s phony credentials though after she insisted on wearing one of those sexy nurse outfits from Spirit Halloween instead of scrubs like the rest of our nursing staff. Part of me is going to miss Harper though once she’s gone. She might’ve represented a major breach in hospital protocol, endangered the lives of our patients, opened us up to multi-million dollar lawsuits, and stole tons of medical equipment, but she was fun. And isn’t that what ultimately matters in the ICU?”
At press time, Schlader could be seen getting escorted off of the hospital premises after reportedly suggesting patients play a game called Edward IV Drip Hands.