BALTIMORE — Local mother and lifelong punk Sherri Dalton reportedly brought her 11-year-old son to a DIY concert this weekend to shop for new clothes, impressed attendees report.
“I told him to pick three things that were black, durable, and not affiliated with a hate group. I also made him name three songs by the band before he could buy their shirt. He is representing our family out there,” Dalton explained, while buying an XXL shirt for local band The Bic Flickers, knowing he’ll grow into it. “We are boycotting Target, Wal-Mart, Amazon and really most retailers now so it only makes sense to go shopping here. Not to mention his dad’s band is opening tonight, so we were going to be here anyway. Two birds, one stone, right?”
While practical, Rollins Dalton was overly embarrassed by having to shop with his mom.
“She tried to pay the merch guy with vegan cupcakes and then called me a poser in front of everyone when I asked if we could just go to Hot Topic. I just want to be a normal kid and wear a Metallica shirt thinking it is a clothing brand,” said the sixth grader after trying on clothes in the venue’s disgusting bathroom. “She kept talking about the quality of the silk screening and limited runs. My friends are going to make fun of me if I wear a ‘Fuck Rent! Squat!’ shirt. I don’t pay rent. Technically, I am squatting at my parents’ house.”
Experts say Mrs. Dalton’s shopping strategy might be part of a growing movement among alternative parents.
“This is a new consumer trend we are calling ‘Anarcho-Sourcing,’ and it is the hottest thing in punk fashion since the invention of shoplifting,” said Dr. Julie Lindstrom, a market research analyst who specializes in countercultural shopping trends. “It’s when caregivers raise children with a blend of anti-capitalist ethics but still want quality items at a fair price. You’re finding families who only shop on Bandcamp rather than Gap Kids. A kid won’t care if you buy the band’s 2018 tour t-shirt at 50%.”
As of press time, the Dalton boy reportedly acquired two shirts, a hoodie, one dozen mini-buttons, and a patch with Trump in a guillotine, all for under $50.