CALGARY, Alberta — A dog cohabitating with some local punks announced that he’s fed up with constantly being falsely accused of vomiting inside the house, according to sources hearing him whimper out of frustration.
“I’ve had it up to here!” stated Skidmark, a roughly four-year-old boxer mix. “Every time someone discovers another pile of puke, piss or shit, guess who gets the heat? First these nasty punks change my once fierce name from Tyson to something disgusting like Skidmark, then they use me as a patsy to take the fall whenever they defile the house, which is daily. I know they all get a good chuckle about it, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh next time someone tries to blame their ralphed up quesadilla on me. It’s gonna be me, and by ‘laugh’ I mean ‘attack.’”
House resident Casper Wiggins, aka Fungus, explained the reason he got a dog.
“Initially it was just for the farts,” said Wiggins as he smeared snot on the fridge door for absolutely no good reason. “But after successfully blaming my flatulence on him, I realized I could also accuse him of a whole bunch of other gross stuff I like to do. But I don’t see what the big deal is, if the others found out it was me who barfed ten times last month in the hallway they’d definitely try to kick me out, but everyone forgives a dog. Sorry Skidz, better you than me.”
Punk researcher Dr. Kirby Hendricks described how this fringe sect of society has a long history of using scapegoats to cover the abhorrent way they live.
“Punks have no shame,” said Hendricks. “Their love of animals only goes as far as they can blame all the sick stuff they do on them, like spraying diarrhea all over the sink, or leaving large trails of bile on the floor. I once had a pit bull who I blamed for chewing up my sofa, until one day I realized there was a goddamn filthy punk living in the walls who’d mess my shit up when I wasn’t around. Let’s put it this way — one of these things is a dangerous animal that has no place living among humans, and the other one is a pit bull.”
As of press time, Skidmark was being blamed for a stockpile of stolen catalytic converters the police discovered in the punks’ garage.