BOSTON — Local punk hibachi chef Joey “Skunk” Robins reportedly hucks cigarette butts into the mouths of customers as opposed to squirting sake, confirmed sources.
“I’m just trying to give customers an experience they will never forget and they never do, as evidenced by the many one- and two-star reviews on Yelp,” explained Robins while smoking multiple cigarettes at once. “One day I’m ripping cigs and tossing some shrimp in a pan while cooking at home, then suddenly I get paid to do it in front of a live and hungry audience. Turns out customers didn’t like it when I put out a lit Marlboro on the chicken teriyaki meal they were about to eat. This was the next best option. Anyway, one day I hope to open a hibachi space of my own that could feed and provide secondhand nicotine to an entire punk scene.”
Some patrons found their hibachi experience confusing and frankly painful.
“I thought I was at a regular hibachi restaurant until I was already seated and the chef was using my hand to play five finger fillet,” said John Jensen, a Boston area normie. “After I left the restaurant, I was covered in bruises from Skunk’s attempted stage dive that occurred mid-meal. I think every culture should be celebrated, but I left that place with a broken rib and a cigarette burn on the top of my mouth that looks like a bullet hole. I’m not sure if I should call the cops or try to get a refund. What is the policy in a situation like this?”
Although some left appalled, others found surprising solace in their dining experience, such as local food critic Elias Roxy.
“I was an empty shell of myself for so long. Going from place to place eating wagyu, caviar, saffron souffle, you name it, but my soul remained hollow,” said Roxy. “The first time I walked into Hibachi Pit a half-smoked American Spirit hit me in the face. But against all odds, I sat down and tried to order and those next few hours changed the course of my life. I’ve never felt more alive, more odorous, or more metal. You’ll never catch me eating the food of the bourgeoisie ever again.”
Since the rave review, Hibachi Pit has caught the attention of diners across the country as well as the Boston Department of Health.
