JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Old-school punk and the woman you call “Grandma,” Ophelia “Snotcock” Dillon, noticed you no longer come by to borrow her van for tours, according to sources who aren’t angry, just disappointed.
“When I hung out with X and The Bags in my teens, punks depended on each other for support. I just want to pass that on,” explained Dillon. “I don’t want you missing out on important milestones, like getting gear stolen, or spray painting your own merch and then getting briefly hospitalized because you spray painted it in a tiny, airtight studio. Back in my day, we’d be all about having no future to look forward to, and honestly, I’m worried about this next generation of punks not sharing the same values we had.”
Of the five or six roommates sharing your grandmother’s squat at any given time, only self-described “train-hopping maven” Angie Peters could be reached for comment.
“I know life gets in the way, but that kid’s gotta realize how lucky she is to even have a van at her disposal. That wheelchair lift was practically built for loading music equipment,” said Peters. “It’s not like Ophelia is asking for much, either — just a little bit of passive-aggressive asking to borrow some expensive asset under the guise of caring about an elderly relative who practically raised you, just like any other grandkid would do for their gammy.”
Some of your alleged reasons for the lapse in van requests included time, distance, and because you “hate using Facebook but it’s the only way Grandma contacts me.”
“I mean, do I feel bad that she has to go all the way to the public library because she doesn’t have internet in her house? Of course,” you admitted. “I love my grandma, and she’s really good at supporting the scene. But sooner or later, she’ll have to realize I’m not the same little kid giving stick-n-pokes to my friends while we skip gym class anymore. I outgrew that shit.”
“Plus… I’m avoiding telling her this because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but the band broke up two years ago,” you continued. “The music was starting to feel kinda stale and old-fashioned. You don’t need a whole van to be a rapper with a pretty decent SoundCloud base.”