DALLAS — Local punk and father of three Andrew Semple reportedly allowed his underage son Andy, Jr. the privilege of sharing “just one” huff of glue with him late yesterday evening, sources confirmed.
“My little Andy’s becoming a big boy now,” Semple said. “Ever since he was a kid, he’d go upstairs while I yelled at Most Metal Moments and fetch me a bag of Elmer’s… or some spot remover if it was a special occasion. I figured, after all this time, he’s old enough to share just one huff with his Pop-Pop. He’s got hair on his nuts.”
Andy Semple, Jr., age 10, reported great joy from the experience.
“Dad told me not to tell mom, but it was so cool!” Semple, Jr. said, despite a “mysterious” rash that developed on his face. “All my friends at school have already tried glue once, and now, I can show them I know what’s up, too. Just like them.”
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After sharing the heartfelt moment with his son, the senior Semple reminisced on a similar experience in his childhood.
“I remember my father did the same thing with me,” he said, looking off towards the sky. “It was 1988, and my Daddy and I — bless his soul — had just seen Youth of Today. After the show, I saw a man with a triple X tattoo, and I asked my Daddy what it meant. He looked me in the eye and said, ‘Son, all of that straight edge stuff is gay. Here, breathe this.’”
“I took a huge whiff of whatever was in that bag, and I instantly knew that I’d vaguely remember this moment for the rest of my significantly shortened life,” he added.
Despite the father-son bonding, Semple, Jr.’s mother, Betty Garza, was unhappy to learn of the events that took place.
“My son is not old enough to be doing that. I mean, what if he became addicted? Or what if he died on his first sniff?” the concerned mother said. “And, God forbid, what if he accidentally tried to huff non-toxic in front of some older kids or something? God, he’d look like such a huge fuckin’ poser.”