OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk dog Rex Pistols reportedly refuses to eat anything but Doc Martens boots, puzzled sources confirmed.
“Hell no, I’m not eating anything that represents a capitalistic consumer mentality, man,” Rex barked. “That includes canned wet shit marketed as ‘dog food,’ and torture devices like stiletto pumps—a damning invention created with the male gaze in mind. It’s just another way to control the masses, dude. It’s disgusting and I’d much rather eat my own diarrhea than the tears of the oppressed. In fact, I have done just that.”
Rex Pistol’s owner Jeff Martinez is a proud supporter of all that Rex stands for ideologically, but misses his favorite shoes.
“It all started with my first pair of Docs,” said Martinez longingly. “I thought he just liked the smell of my sweaty feet, but it was so much more than that. They seemed to resonate with him in a way that other shoes didn’t. It just sucks that I’ve had to buy three new pairs in a month, the cost is really starting to kill me, but even worse, my feet are torn to shit because I keep having to break in new pairs. He won’t eat anything else—I’ve tried feeding him roast chicken and a rare steak, but he just flips the bird at me before swatting it at the wall. He also says he can’t fully enjoy his kibble without a nice ‘leather aftertaste.’”
Veterinarian Albert Hart recommended Rex limit his consumption of the boots for health reasons.
“He’s nearing age 35, in dog years of course, and he really needs to start watching what he eats,” Hart said. “I can tell he’s passionate about more causes than any other dog that comes into my office, but Rex is one of our toughest patients. We have to sedate him anytime we take his anal temperature. He usually just bites me anytime I talk about limiting animal by-products like leather Doc Martens. One time I told him to try replacing them with a healthier vegan leather Doc and he pulled a knife on me.”
At press time, Rex’s girlfriend Greta Van Fleas lovingly referred to him as a “bad boy,” despite the K-9 community’s negative associations with the phrase.