WASHINGTON — Citizens across the nation were surprised to learn that the long-promised slow descent into fascism has rapidly accelerated in the past few months, confirmed sources.
“Whew, okay, that one’s on us. Huge whoopsie. Like, seriously, guys, so sorry,” said Claudia Warner, Executive Director of the Organization of American Historians. “Big, BIG yikes. We totally thought we had a few more years before the whole ‘fascism’ thing kicked in, but nope! Guess that’s our bad. Look, it’s been a really stressful quarter. Work’s insane, our kid’s been losing it at school, and we’ve been sleeping, like, three hours a night. We swore we had our eye on the ball but apparently the ball is gone. Completely gone. We dropped it. We’re in a freefall now. Fascism’s happening. It’s literally happening. Oh my God, how did this happen?!”
Local punk Burt Crank admitted he’s under mounting pressure to come up with a sick name for his acoustic, antifascist, anarcho-punk band.
“Fuck! I just thought I’d have a little more time to nail this before everything went to hell,” said a panicked Crank, pacing back and forth in his squat off North Capitol Street. “It has to be perfect. I thought I’d at least have a few more months to figure it out, but now I have to make a fucking choice. Goddammit. Okay. It’s between Dumpster Fire Choir and Unpaid International. Fuck. I hate those. Why couldn’t these bootlicking fuckers just wait a few more months? I would’ve perfected it by then. Okay, what about Folk the State? NO. That’s fucking stupid. It’s stupid and I hate it.”
Todd McGreevey, a senior White House staff member, confirmed that speeding up fascism was really just a matter of turning a knob in the White House basement.
“We were as surprised as anyone to find out fascism in the United States is controlled by this little knob,” said McGreevey. “Apparently it was installed at the nation’s founding, long before electricity or even the word ‘fascism.’ It’s mostly just been sitting at a three for the past two centuries. We cranked it up to seven during Trump’s first term, and this time we figured, why not go full Spinal Tap and turn it to eleven? Only instead of louder guitars, it’s full-blown Nazism.”
At press time, Crank had temporarily landed on the band name Molotov Hymn.
