CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s public settlement for deliberately slowing down certain iPhones in what was seen as an attempt to swindle users has proven unsuccessful…
DURHAM, N.C. — Researchers at Duke University made the startling discovery that the male brain does not fully mature until death, confirmed sources who didn’t…
SAN MATEO, Calif. — Multimedia tech CEO, Peter Avakian, held a mandatory all-hands meeting to ensure every employee was present for an iPhone slideshow from…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Dan Stanford was accused of derailing date night at an upscale restaurant after he spent most of the evening gazing longingly…
WASHINGTON — Republican lawmakers today broke ground on a new memorial to not commemorate the insurrection riots that took place in and around the Capitol…
AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of…
DUXBURY, Mass. — Local punk Danny Coulstring was shocked to learn that the somewhat popular satire news publication The Hard Times was not funded by…
BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked…
BOSTON — Local punk Patricia “Peg Leg” Sullivan made a massive pledge of $20,000 per month to the recently launched Hard Times Patreon after randomly…
CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Hannah and Jack Lungo experienced both anger and relief upon realizing they hadn’t been invited to their friends’ wedding, according to sources…
CHARLESTON, W.Va. — An increasingly agitated yellow canary found inside a previously abandoned basement venue is really bumming out attendees at a recent crust punk…
AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Bryce Horn is preparing for doomsday by backing up his collection of “rare” MP3s to an external hard drive amid…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local bartender Zack Kenton, 28, reportedly used the same three adjectives to describe at least seventeen of the bar’s signature beers, leading…
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Pathetic fucking nerd James Flick admitted that he knows the names of every band member in every single band he likes, confirmed…
PHILADELPHIA – Researchers at Temple University found that most Americans are using their precious few vacation days to sit on hold and argue with medical…